Birthdays and Bitchin' Boots.

Hey there folks! I'm sorry for overwhelming you with a tidal wave of random birthday related questions on my last post. In a gesture of solidarity, I will answer some of them too. ;)

• If I could host a birthday party, I'd have it be either Day of the Dead or  The Addams Family themed. Mermaids would be cool too though. However being an actual mermaid and celebrating in the ocean takes the cake for sure. Unfortunately it's also highly unlikely. But hey, a girl can dream.

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• If I were to pick one celebrity to throw a party for me or that I was going to attend his/her birthday bash, I'd probably choose Tim Burton. Someone that creative would definitely have a very memorable b-day bash.
• I'm going crazy trying to think of the "perfect" person so I'm just going to throw out here the first one who comes to mind.... Umm... Natalie Wood. I think she was beautiful and so intriguing. Plus I'd get to find out once and for all if her drowning was an accident or murder.

Anyways thank you all for the birthday wishes, both here and on facebook. Overall it was a lovely day. It was really nice to for the first time in years actually see my being alive as something to celebrate. For such a long time I've been dead set on self annihilation like a bizarre type of kamikaze pilot (except the only person I wanted to destroy was myself), so still being around after another year was not something to get excited over. It was merely indicative of the fact that I was a failure and "bad anorexic." While those thoughts are still present in the back of my mind, they were outweighed on Wednesday by feeling happy, excited and incredibly grateful.

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 One thing I know for sure is that it's sooo much nicer to celebrate at home and not inpatient. It is weird a little bit to remember where I was this time last year. So much has changed in such a relatively short period of time, it scares me a bit to think of the future and imagine how things will be then. I'm afraid of all the possibilities, the unknown. 

Anyways, yesterday I visited Melrose with my sister and found the world's cutest boots. All the other shoes on the planet are gossiping to each other because they're so jealous of the awesomeness. And it was even better because they were in a vintage store, therefore ridiculously cheap. I love imagining the adventures my used or vintage clothes have been on, where they've been and the people who have worn them. Am I the only person who ever thinks about or considers that?

Hello lover.

It was fun going shopping with my sister. I often tend to behave as though I have "financial anorexia" and rarely ever spend money, especially if it's on something for myself or seen as unnecessary. But my sister definitely does not have that problem. Seeing her buy things made me feel more allowed and okay doing so myself, like it gave me permission. I was telling her how I wanted to get a cardigan because I only have one and all of the buttons have fallen off. She interrupted me saying, "You can have stuff you don't need. You can have superfluous stuff. Do you think I'm judging you for it? It's allowed. You don't have to explain yourself." It was definitely a much needed reality check, and a good wake up call. So even though I'm older, my sister is in some ways wiser! 

The wise one and I.

While I had a good time yesterday, the whole time in the back of my mind I was really anxious and preoccupied with thoughts about food, weight, exercise, body, etc. Part of me was so frustrated, thinking URGH!! Why can't I just be NORMAL!! But part of me is afraid of that exact thing (normalcy) and not constantly living with the fear and obsessions because I'm afraid of how my body would be if I didn't. I always feel so stupid and vain, like such an anorexic admitting that but it's true. I'm petrified of how my body would be and how I would look if I were to be fully recovered, and those fears are what keep me engaging in my still-present behaviors.

The funny thing I've been thinking about is that no matter what you weigh or how fit you are, your body still looks weird. I mean, human bodies just are. You have this chunk of self called an abdomen with four noodley things that flail around hanging off of them. And then there's an orb called a head topping it all off... And that's not even getting into specifics like ears and toes. The whole thing seems so random and silly. When you think about it, even the "perfect body" is pretty ridiculous looking. So then why do I care?! ... Sometimes I drive myself crazy.