.... If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream till I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it.
~ The Avett Brothers
(source)
A lot has been going down in the life of Rachael, at least compared to the usual. I'm now officially enrolled at SMC and the semester begins on the 22nd of June. My emotions regarding returning to college after two years devoid of any schooling run the gamut from excitement to complete and utter terror. Over the summer I'm just attending part time and taking non academic classes, so hopefully once the fall semester begins I'll feel more confident and less freaky out-y. Fingers crossed! Eyes too! If that wasn't enough, I might be starting a new job in the near future.....! About two weeks ago I spontaneously filled out a job application at Trader Joe's, and last Friday received a call asking to schedule an interview. Turns out they liked my handwriting on the application, so before the actual interview began I was taken to the super secret (not really but whatever) back room and made three sample signs for them, so maybe I'd be hired to work in the art department making the signs and artwork around the market in addition to being a general salesperson. The second interview is this Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes.
Did you know there's supposedly an employee named Joe at every single location?
On one hand I'm excited and think it would be awesome and so much fun to work there, but I'm also really and scared. My ED feels totally threatened by the thought of a job's funky hours and craziness because it would disrupt the "safety" of my rules and routines. However outside of stupid anorexic worries I'm freaked about it as well. Just the thought of school makes me anxious. Would that plus beginning a new job at the same time be too overwhelming? It feels a bit like going from coasting in a car without your foot on the gas and then slamming it down, jumping from 0 mph to 100. Could I handle it? Then again I don't feel like I can turn down such a great opportunity, especially considering how insanely hard it is to find work right now. The fact that I'm broke makes for a pretty convincing argument as well. I love how I've jumped a billion steps ahead and am worrying about this when they could very well not even hire me. Watch me not get the job. Then I'll feel like a total idiot.
I would so put the employee discount to good use.
Anyways, I have a confession. Not as juicy as Usher's (I also don't have his dance moves. Or abs.), but whatever. I can't really articulate this dilemma very well, but of course I'm going to subject you to suffering through my attempts. Anywho, it's this: I'm not technically underweight anymore. And while I still definitely struggle a ton, especially with compulsive exercise, I'm doing well and am definitely eons better than I've been in years. I'm in the weight range that was established with my dietician and pretty much follow my meal plan. I came clean (so incredibly hard) about major behaviors like waterloading which I'd secretly been engaging in for years and haven't done them since. I should feel proud of myself... So why am I so ashamed? I squirmed and struggled with the decision to include a picture of myself in my previous post and am internally screaming at myself to delete this entire paragraph because I don't want to "out" myself and "confess" how I'm doing. But why do I want to hide the fact that I'm not deathly ill and sick? I drive myself nuttier than Mr. Peanut... And then there's also a part of me which feels insanely guilty and like a terrible person for having these (not so much the Mr. Peanut one) thoughts in the first place.
Meanwhile it feels as though all my friends from treatment are either a.) back inpatient, b.) about to go back, or c.) should have returned two months ago but are refusing. I've cut back on my facebook time because it's difficult to see. I care deeply and am scared for them but feel helpless to do anything other than be there as support. However, the remnants of my competitive anorexic drive makes watching others be in their disorders while I'm not doing so very difficult. For so many years my identity revolved solely around my eating disorder and I was way too invested in not only being sick, but the sickEST. Which makes it uncomfortable when now I'm in this weird in-between zone where I don't feel "good" enough at recovery to be anything other than bad at my eating disorder. A part of me years to go back to go back to what's comfortable (comfortably uncomfortable) and familiar.... But when I catch my thoughts slipping in that direction I give myself a drill sergeant-esque reality check and stern reminder: I have worked so hard and it's been so excruciatingly difficult to get to where I am today... Do I really want to have to go through it all again? When phrased that way the whole regressing thing doesn't seem quite as appealing. Thanks but no thanks. Plus I remember all my goals, the things that I want from life. Being in the hospital or restricting won't exactly get me any closer to them.
Decide what to be and go be it.
I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a total asshole or as though my eating disorder just temporarily hijacked my fingers. If it's offensive or triggering in any way let me know and I'll take it down. I just needed to get all this craziness out in the air and process it a bit, plus I always appreciate your wisdom and feedback. I don't really know how to wrap this whole mess up gracefully and non-abruptly. Maybe they'll teach me articulate conclusions when I return to school! Hope you all have incredible weeks. I can't wait to read all about them. ;)
(source)
Questions:
1.) Do you write on yourself with pen? Do you worry about the ink being absorbed by your skin? AND (fun fact!!) did you know that tattoo ink never actually dries under your skin's surface?
2.) What jobs have you had? Which experiences were your best and worst? Any memorable stories?
Yay good luck with the job...that's so exciting, plus college as well! There are some pretty amazing things to look forward to by the sounds of it.
ReplyDeleteI think I too would find it hard to see fellow sufferers still entrenched in the disorder, and for this reason I have distanced myself from a couple of people I was in treatment with. It was just too difficult and triggering. It's important to focus on you and your recovery, because it's easy to get sucked into the competitive side. I am guilty of this, when I recently felt bad about not having relapsed when a close friend did. But life has too many amazing things to offer without wasting it in dedication to a path that only leads to death and prevents us from doing anything meaningful or truly enjoyable...
Ooh I often write on myself - and I'd love a tattoo someday. Job wise, I've had a paper round, a job with the police, and working in a florist. Now I work at McDonalds! Surprisingly, the florist was probably the worst, and the best is yet to come ;)
Sarah x
I know exactly what you mean about being "in between".
ReplyDeleteAnd "Competitive Anorexic Drive" sums it up so well! I didn't really know how to put this phenomenon into words.
I am actually jealous of all you anorexic bloggers, and severely ashamed that I am not a "good anorexic" or "the best anorexic".
We compare BMI's and compete to have the lowest. It is awful, but I admit, I still do it as well.
You can't do recovery well, or perfectly, or better than anyone else. Recovery happens, recovery is a process. Recovery is a royal kick in the ass, but it's worth it, because you've worked for it yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou've come so far, like you said. Why waste all that effort, all those tears, all the work you put in to getting where you are now? Why not work a little more, for a little longer, so the temptation to go back down that road is completely obliterated by your bootcamp-esque sergeant drill-calls?
The 'good anorexic', essentially, is the one who will die first.
When you put it in THAT sort of perspective, it doesn't sound so tempting.
School and work might be demanding, but you can only know that after you've tried it. I'm crossing my eyes for you, though! If I were to go into Trader Joe's, I'd wanna buy my food from YOU, that's fo' sho'!
x
Eleanor
First of all, congrats on school and the job! I know it seems like a lot, but I think you are going to surprise yourself with how well you can cope with it.
ReplyDelete... and congrats on reaching a healthy weight! I can totally relate to feeling a little bit ashamed because of it. I still fight the temptations to diet every day, because part of me feels like I am a crappy anorexic and should still be deathly ill. Of course, being a crappy anorexic is actually a good thing... but I guess we are all just a little twisted. No?
I don't know if I'm making any sense.. I just woke up so forgive me if this is incoherent. You are so wonderful, and I am so happy you updated! :)
<3 Tat
Questions:
1.) Do you write on yourself with pen? Do you worry about the ink being absorbed by your skin? AND (fun fact!!) did you know that tattoo ink never actually dries under your skin's surface?
2.) What jobs have you had? Which experiences were your best and worst? Any memorable stories?
oh crap.. I forgot to answer your questions. In my defence, I told you I was tired!
ReplyDeleteQuestions:
1.) Do you write on yourself with pen? Do you worry about the ink being absorbed by your skin? No way! I am so scared that the ink will poison me... plus I have very sensitive skin so that would probably result in a huge rash or lots of itching. Not cool.
2.) What jobs have you had? Which experiences were your best and worst? Any memorable stories? I've worked at an arena booth, a horse-back riding stable and a provincial park. I still work at the park.. and I clean the toilets :) I guess you could say there are lots of memorable ones there... but they are too gross to tell :P
Wow you've got a lot going on ... good luck with school and with the job, it sounds like it could be awesome for you!!
ReplyDeleteYou left me a comment a couple of weeks ago about how I post things that you're thinking but don't want / don't know how to say. If that's true, then this is role reversal at its finest: I feel exactly the same way you do. There's that impossibly difficult gray area when it feels like you're being "bad at the eating disorder" instead of "good at recovery," and you know what? It sucks. It really, really does. But there is another side. There has to be.
<3 <3
It sounds like a fun job! I hope it works out. I can understand everything you're saying, no matter how confusing you think you sound Haha! I would like to ask you something personal if you don't mind. Do you think going inpatient was helpful for you, or what exactly did you get out of it that's helped.
ReplyDelete<3 Tori
I am right at that "in between" zone with you right now, and it sucks :/ I know how hard it is, and it how ed can make you think that because you aren't underweight anymore you don't need x or x. But you DO, and I do too! We need to nourish ourselves no matter what :)
ReplyDeletePraying for you,
Scott
Sometimes I feel like the inbetween zone is harder than being entrenched in ED or fully recovered. It's like youve lost some of your recovery - are you still sick enough to identify as someone with an ED? And everything...wish I had wise words for you, but I can relate with the struggle.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on school + (potential) work!!! I would love to visit a Trader Joes, much less work at one!!! I know what you mean about feeling threatened about the hectic hours and such...Starbizzle+my other job have me coming + going all the time...just stock up on tupperwear, plan some go-to meals/snacks, and youll be good to go, girl! What WOULDNT ya do for an employee discount there, right?! ;)
izzyy
xoxo
Almost every day I play around with the idea of trying harder to lose weight and cutting certain foods out. It's not that I don't want to get to a completely healthy, ED-free state, because I do, but I can't seem to just let it go. Not yet anyways.
ReplyDeleteI think that the only thing one can do when in this state is to just keep pushing forward. Continue to eat the foods you love, experiment with new foods, hang out with people who have a healthy body image, and most of all, smother your body with love and compliments. This may sound kind of crazy but sometimes I'll pretend that my body is it's own being and that anything negative I think or do is not just hurting "me" but "it" too. If that makes sense.. which it probably doesn't. ;)