Sleep Deprived Zombie Speaking!

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Long time no speak, eh? Things have been crazy to say the least and adjusting to having responsibilities outside of Mr. ED's (and I don't mean the horse) has been extremely challenging. Between school, work, and my eating disorder (appointments and eating, but also the compulsions and routines to keep my brain satisfied and the anxiety at bay) there has been literally no time or energy for blogging.  Or once I finally get home from work I'm so insanely tired that I don't have the mental power to construct a sentence let alone a post, which really really sucks because I've had so many things which I've wanted to write about in the past few weeks. Often when faced with an hour to spare I'd rather read your blogs and get updated because I care about y'all than ramble on about myself. I've noticed that my followers have dwindled which makes me sad, like I've let someone down or not been interesting, funny, likable, etc enough.... Insecure much? But that's really just craziness. Followers are for people like Moses, not lil' old me anyways!

Regardless, I'm back and ready for business. I've missed posting and really really hope that I'll be able to do so more frequently and consistently in the future. I have a bajillion things (like a literal list... Not even kidding!) to say, but nothing at the same time. So here's a little somethin' somethin' which has been ruminating in my brain, just to get back into the swing of things. It's a bit personal so I'm feeling a little hesitant and shy, but I'll "act opposite" and post it anyways. ;) 

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I'm here.

I arrive for my nutrition appointment five minutes early. I hold the doorknob sharply downwards until the door is fully shut, then release the handle as slowly as possible to avoid making a sound. This a little "game" I play every week. If you could see my face you would notice the rueful smile, the pained grimace which twitches across it as the word game escapes my lips. Sitting down in the waiting room, I turn on my ipod and wait for five minutes. Then ten. Finally my dietician pokes her head into the waiting room. She explains frustratedly that she had thought I was either late or not coming, because she didn't hear me enter the waiting room. "You need to make at least some sound when you come in. I understand wanting to be considerate, but otherwise I don't know you're here." 

I play lot's of games with myself. Let's see if you can walk without making any noise. Let's see how long you can sit without moving. Let's see how little we (And who is this we exactly?) can get by on. Restrict food, money, space, love... Doesn't matter what it is. Let's pare it all down to the bare minimum and then some, see how little we truly need. Let's take nothing. Let's disappear.

Sometimes while on the bus I realize that my gaze has entirely lost focus. I see and hear nothing yet everything at the same time. I am so still. Can anyone else see me? Have I finally disappeared? Upon noticing a part of me is reluctant to stop and return to my body and the scary loud world which it inhabits, full of unknowns and shades of grey. But most of all, I don't want to take up space again. Because if I can see anyone else, maybe no one else can see me either. Maybe I don't take up space anymore, have finally ceased to exist.

I tried to disappear, and almost succeeded. But that really doesn't matter anymore. Regardless of what has happened in my past, I'm still here. I walk down the street, and there is a sound as my feet slap the pavement. I am appearing, like a black and white portrait slowly being shaded in with colored pencil. I no longer want to live ashamed of and apologizing for my existence . Erasers are for mistakes and I am not one. 

I arrive at my nutrition appointment five minutes early and shut the door behind me with a hesitant but undeniable click. This act makes me feel so anxious and guilty, it's comical. I may not yet be slamming doors or running down the streets shouting "I'm alive mothafucka!!" but there's still time. Because I'm not going anywhere. 

I'm here.

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Questions pour vous!

1.) I think I saw a question like this on someone's formspring but anyways... When things feel too hard and overwhelming and you feel as though you can't/don't want to go on and keep doing this (recovery, life, whatever!) anymore, what keeps you going? How do you cope?

2.) Something fun and random which has occurred recently in your life. I read all of your blog updates, but still! Something that was maybe so random you didn't even include it on your posts... Like a funny design on the ceiling or spending your day irritated by a gnarly hangnail but not being able to find scissors (story of my life.)