Pants On Fire.

So remember my little fear busting Peanut Butter Challenge? So I have a little somethin' somethin' to show you all....

Emptier than Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard.

That's right folks, this morning I finished my first jar of peanut butter. I'm really proud of myself, but also a bit freaked out as well. ED is giving me a hard time over that I went through an entire jar by myself. Of course the fact that I ate it over an extended period of time is left out of the argument. By anyways, I wanted to hold myself accountable and keep you guys updated on how the challenge is going! While I wouldn't say that it's "over" (Because technically will it ever be over?) and I'm going to stop pushing myself to overcome this fear, I did want to acknowledge this milestone. Part of me wants to save the jar, like put something in it. Is that weird of me? And do you have any ideas for what I could store inside? Affirmations? Spare change? The scalps of my enemies?

It was funny though, because as I went through the jar of peanut butter I encountered all sorts of unexpected choices and questions. For instance deciding between storing the jar in the cupboard or the fridge. And of course the pivotal question of whether I should keep on side of the jar pristine and untouched while working my way down the other or just scoop it out equally.... These are crucial decisions right here! What are your nut butter methods when it comes to jar storage and scoopage?

In a way though I felt like the consumption of peanut butter consumption opening up a world of new choices to be made is a prime example of how ED can make your world "safer" and less daunting. I suck at making decisions or committing to anything, so having anorexia front and center at the steering wheel was a perfect way to alleviate myself of the responsibility of making any choices. 

Should I go see that friend? No, because there might be food involved. Can't risk that! What should I wear today? The same fifty two layers you've worn and slept in for the past week, because you're cold and too exhausted to change. What should I do today? The daylong exercise routine you do every Tuesday. What should I eat? Stupid question. How do I feel? The scale says your weight stayed the same, so you are furious with yourself and scared. 

Anorexia pared down my world, making it seem smaller and less threatening, more manageable. How I felt or what I wanted (both things I have major difficulty identifying) didn't matter and weren't part of the equation. But over time ED's rituals and obsessions dictating my every action started to feel less like a safety bubble and more like a prison. Anorexia wasn't a protective fence to keep all the unsafe bad things out, but a cage to keep me in. It just took me approximately forever to realize it. Better late than never though, right? 

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

Oh! Before I forget, I was kindly given this award. After reading the rules I got really excited. It's borderline disturbing how psyched I was to concoct some trickery and lies.  Ah well, here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.

A giant "Merci beaucoup!" to Blue Eyed Heart!

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. Done.

3. Link to the person who nominated you. Donezo.

4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one truth.

a.) Even though I haven't gone to a serious ballet class in years, I still am cursed with the "duck walk," standing with my feet turned out.

b.) Rather than going the cliched limo, my friends and I arranged to rent and arrive at our school prom in a chauffeured Big Blue Bus. Public transportation all the way!

c.) I rocked an eyepatch after falling down a flight of stairs and needing stiches when I was a toddler.

d.) Speaking of injuries, when I was five I broke my pinky smashing bricks into powder with rocks, AKA trying to play Brick Factory like I read in the Ramona Quimby books.

e.) When I was a baby my parents had to call the paramedics after I drank a bottle of Palmolive soap. Something about those orange bubbles was so appealing....

f.) I love nature and am the only person in my family who has a "green thumb."

g.) I am virtually incapable of going into Urban Outfitters and leaving without purchasing something.

My homeboy.

I'm pretty sure everyone has already been tagged, but if you haven't feel free to give it a go!

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

Also, Katie from lilveggiepatch is having a Marantha Nut Butter giveaway. Scamper over to enter, since time is running out! Lots of giveaways lately... Y'all are so generous!

And while we're on the subject of peanut butter... 

Just because it's cute and I can.