Her sweat and blood went into this cake!!

My mom and sister are going to the East Coast for some college touring fun. Unfortunately I don't get to come too which sucks, especially considering the last time I went on a plane or traveled (not for treatment purposes) I was fourteen years old. But plane tickets are so expensive, plus somebody needs to stay home and take care of the dog. Le sigh. I'm determined to make the best of it though and find some fun things to do while I have the apartment to myself. I had a brilliant idea of swapping my mom's bed and all her stuff with mine, so when they come home all my furniture would be in her bedroom and vice versa. I'd explain very seriously that, "I'm the master of the house now."  Unfortunately there are two problems with this plan, that a.) it's sort of passive aggressive and snarky, plus b.) I frequently forget and fail to consider the fact that I'm not a 300 pound grizzled Eastern European man. It would be so funny though!... At least for me. I hope my mom and sister don't return and find I've gone crazy and look like Tom Hanks circa "Castaway."

Mom, I want you to meet my new boyfriend, Wilson... 

Yes, he's a bit round and pasty but we're in love!

I'm anticipating being alone for so long without any consistent social contact or people to talk to will be difficult. I've totally hijacked our family netflix queue so I'll have lots of DVDs though. One which I'm especially pumped to watch is "Matilda." I used to love that movie and wished I had psychokinetic powers like her. When I was little I used to focus my eyes on something and concentrate really really hard, trying to move it with my mind. And by when I was little I mean approximately five minutes ago.

Oh, it's been far too long.

I think the last time I watched "Matilda" it was a boring Saturday afternoon whilst inpatient. You know the infamous Bruce Bogtrotter chocolate cake scene? 

Brucie! So intense.

I remember that part totally freaked me out even pre-ED, but let's just say watching it when surrounded by anorexics and bulimics on a locked eating disorders unit takes the awkwardness and discomfort to a whole new level of epicness. I'm surprised no one started hyperventilating and crying. I recall vividly that one of the first things they told any "newbies" was that no one was allowed to watch The OC, America's Next Top Model, or either Charlie and the Chocolate Factory films. You don't realize how many commercials are related to food or weight loss until in one of these situations. Good times. 

Aaanyways, on Friday I did something which I'm really proud/ashamed/happy/terrified about. My mom said that she was going to take my sister out for dinner so I'd be on my own that night. In the moment I thought to myself How can I entertain the notion of traveling or going on a vacation if I can't eat in a restaurant? and completely out of nowhere replied that I'd come too. My sister asked in disbelief "When was the last time you went out to eat with us?" and I replied, "Ummm... six years ago?" So needless to say, this was a big fucking deal. I'm not going to lie, it was so hard and scary. I'd probably be more motivated to challenge myself to eating out again if it hadn't been such a borderline traumatizing experience. Anxiety and fear aren't exactly emotions which I want to feel, so I don't exactly want to do things which I know will include them, you know? But I know I have to keep doing it and push through the suckiness. As the saying goes, everything is hard before it's easy. But the saying doesn't make it in the moment suck any less.

I've been doing this a lot recently, spontaneously deciding to break various ED rules. I think part of it is that I have to initiate the challenge. If someone else tells me to do it, my stubborn mode kicks in and I'm instantly defiant and resistant. Plus the spur of the moment-ness alleviates a lot of the anxiety and buildup of anticipating going out of my comfort zone. However while the spontaneousness has been positive in those ways, it makes what I'm doing even more terrifying because the whole moving fast/rushing/spontaneous thing is so not Rachael. Or at least so not anorexic Rachael. So in the back of my head there's this panicked voice worrying and freaking out, shrieking What am I DOING? What am I BECOMING? It feels like I'm spinning out of control breaking so many rules and being so spontaneous, there's this fear of what am I going to decide to do next? Binge? Totally lose all self control?... Have you guys ever experienced this? I'd appreciate any words of wisdom, basically any words at all. I'm so scared. And all this isn't even considering the fears of how breaking ED's rules or going out of the "safe zone" will effect me weight-wise.

On the bright side, my therapist was happy though! Tee hee. When I told her, she said the only reason her jaw wasn't on the floor was because my dietician had already called. It's weird though. Even though going to a restaurant was a huge deal, a big part of me wants to leave it out of this post and not tell anyone. I didn't even want to tell my therapist. Because despite logically knowing it's a good thing and if anything I should feel proud, part of me is so self conscious and ashamed. In my head I did something really bad so I don't want anyone to find out, even though at the same time I know it was good. Urgh, why does everything have to be so complicated and difficult?  

I'm glad you guys enjoyed the video of my sister in my last post. If you checked out the game and didn't hear the background music which I mentioned, I promise I'm not experiencing auditory hallucinations. It only starts playing after a few minutes... But is totally worth the wait. One of the brilliant lyrics is "Open your eyes. Your eyes are open." I'm not even kidding. Anyways, here's another video of my sister which basically sums her up in seven seconds.

Playing the harmonica with Cosmo Pesto Oswald (Cosmopolitan for short), her unicorn backpack.

Seriously that girl should have a blog. She's a billion times more interesting and "winning" (her words, not mine) than I am. Apparently I have issues with being the less awesome sister on basically every possible level, but I'll save that for another time. The video is sort of old, from back during her pink hair days. Even though that phase has passed, there is still magenta all over the apartment. Like I understand dye remnants on her pillow... But the ceiling?? How did it even get there in the first place? Did she Spiderman up the wall and rub her head on the ceiling or something? I don't know.

Question: Any favorite non-Disney childhood cartoon films? Holla to all my fellow fans of The Swan Princess, Anastasia, and Thumbelina. Oh snap.