Who fell off the face of the Earth?

I did! ...So what is the cause of my extended absence?

Was I sitting at a quaint cafe in Paris? Mais non!

Was I building elaborate castles out of empty Ensure bottles? No, although one of these days when grow bored and desperate enough I might. 

Was I attending the Academy Awards and trampling various starlets' trains? Nope.

Was I being attacked by vampires?....

YES. And I'm not talking about the kind who sparkle when hit by sunlight either. The vampires got me, and they liked my blood so much that they keep coming back for more.

I call phlebotomists vampires, mainly because I couldn't pronounce the word phlebotomy if my life depended on it. But also because I'm weird like that. Anyways, I recently learned that some medical problems have been brewing in the Rachael oven. No bueno. Luckily (?) none of the issues are consequences of my eating disorder. I don't know why the fact that they're not "my fault" is important to me, but it is. I'm trying not to freak out or jump five steps into the future, but I'm struggling to ignore how scared I am.

Of course ED is trying to take advantage of the situation, and I keep having thoughts that restricting would numb me out, take the fear away. Plus it's much less frightening to have something wrong with your body when you're "in control" and the cause. It terrifies me that for once I'm pretty much doing everything right and my body is self destructing. Part of me is so angry at my body and wants to restrict to punish it. I have this hateful thought in my head of I take care of you and this is how you repay me? This is the thanks I get? Fuck that. I want you to starve. I owe you nothing. Funny how I think of my body as a separate entity, and have the idea that I can punish it when really the only person I'm hurting is myself. Crazy brain. I will NOT listen to all that foolishness!

It's sort of odd and counterintuitive that I react to these recent developments by wanting to engage in behaviors that will further hurt my body and only make things worse. I think it's sort of like procrastinating dealing with issues, bottling the feelings and problems up and telling yourself you'll face them later. I imagine it's like having a broken right hand.... So you smash your left hand with a hammer. Sure you may temporarily distract yourself from the pain of your right hand, but ultimately you have two broken hands to contend with. My therapist always says the wise words "Pay now or pay later." I'd much rather deal with all this shit now than have to work through them plus the hell of being in a treatment center. I may have a wallet emptier than Al Capone's vault, but I think I'd much rather pay now.

As for a follow-up on the group I mentioned in my last post, I've gone two times and so far really enjoy it. I feel hopeful about the potential it has to be a source of help and positive support. Maybe it's because I'm still new but for some reason feeling like I'm "on the outside looking in," watching them all support each other and be such good friends makes me feel incredibly sad and alone. I experience the same sensation while on the bus, watching people busy living their lives - making out with their girl/boyfriends, going places, talking to friends, doing homework, etc. Even though I'm surrounded, packed into the bus like a sardine, there is no time when I feel more lonely and aimless. That being said, at least I'm taking steps to hopefully change things and make them better. My little metaphor in honor of St. Patty's Day is that your chances of finding a four leaf clover go up significantly when you actually go into a field. Reading over this post I'm feeling kind of blah about how negative it sounds, like a scoop of complaining and pinch of random metaphors whirred around in a blender. Terribly sorry about that! Here's a funny comedy clip to balance out the whining. 

Jokes.com
Daniel Tosh - MTV Cribs
comedians.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Daniel Tosh Videos Buy CD/DVDs

Random thought of the moment: If fruits are plant ovaries, does that mean all fruits are girls? Even bananas? And if fruits are female, what food is male? .... Somebody grab a life vest, because these thoughts are deep!