Hello there fabulous people! I hope you had lovely weekends full of adventure. As for me, yesterday I went with my mom to visit my grandma. I have so many memories in her house, from the photos on the wall to the tree in the backyard which I used to climb when I was a little kid.
And by little kid I mean one day ago.
I haven't been to my grandma's house in months and almost didn't go this time either. Why? Due to fear of deviating from my routine, not being able to meet my exercise quota. How sad and pathetic. It makes me feel so guilty and angry with myself that I turn down the offer to visit my grandmother because I'm afraid of exercising less. And if I do go I spend the whole time completely distracted, an anxious and irritable wreck.
This isn't working. I read a quote that said "Moments are irreplaceable," and it really made me think. Life shouldn't be "fit in" or scheduled around exercise, and yet mine is. There's something wrong here. How am I ever going to go to school or have a social life? How many more moments and experiences am I willing to sacrifice in order to obsess over my weight? How many times have I had an idea that I wanted to blog about or a comment I wanted to leave but couldn't, wasn't "allowed" because I needed to go run on the treadmill? Do I want to look back on my life and not be able to say anything except that I was thin? Would I rather page through a photo album of myself having fun with friends and smiling or gaze at photos of myself "safe" but alone? ... What's life for if not to live?
"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."
- Steve Jobs
I don't want it to sound like I'm totally motivated and gung ho about making major changes in stopping exercise though. My eating disorder is having a FIELD DAY right now, screaming all sorts of things about weight gain yadda yadda yadda, but I don't want to be triggering and/or risk offending anyone so I'm just not going to indulge those fears by typing them. It sucks because it's not just fun and games, breaking ED's rules without consequences. What I'm afraid will happen (gaining weight) actually WILL HAPPEN. When I read about people who stopped exercising and didn't gain weight or who have monstrous beasts of metabolisms that require massive quantities of food just to maintain weight, it makes me so angry at my body. Which I think is part of why I'm so afraid of doing this, because I feel like me/my body is different. That maybe other people can be normal and free without worrying but I'm "terminally unique." Raaargh.
Honestly though my biggest fear is that I'll be able to eliminate compulsive over-exercising and things won't be any different, that the life I think the behaviors are keeping me from will still be missing. In the past when I've tried to stop one of the biggest difficulties was that I didn't have anything to do in order to replace the exercise, so I'd just sit there bored and anxious thinking about how I could be in the gym but wasn't. It's scary and lonely. I've spent all day today home alone twiddling my thumbs and wanting to call someone for support/a tranquilizer/lobotomy, which is a huge deal for me.... the support part, that is. But I've gone so long isolating myself and not accepting help when offered that now when I actually want to reach out no one is there. I'm trying to write a list of things I can do to keep myself occupied but am so far having difficulty. Do you have any recommendations for activities a person (me) could do?
I'm sorry for this epic novel of a post. As you can see I have a tendency to ramble when I'm scared or nervous, and because I'm not exercising I have more time to type (and type and type...). So brace yourselves because there will probably be a lot more postage from this girl these days. I apologize in advance. Anyways, here's the necklace I mentioned with mysterious self tangling abilities.
So pretty.
I've been wearing it every day to try and prove to myself that I can wear "unlucky" jewelry without something horrific happening. The four leaf clover is a shout-out to my Irish heritage... Except not really. My middle name is Erin. I don't know why exactly, considering I don't have a single relative with even a teaspoon of Irish blood running through their veins. I once asked my mom why she named me Erin and she replied she'd wanted to spell it Aryn (because apparently the addition of an extra A sandwiched into Rachel just isn't enough) but thought such a spelling didn't exist. While not only is it a real name but the Hebrew version, which would make much more sense considering my Jewishness and all. But whatevs. These days I'll accept all the good luck I can get. What are your middle names? Are you one of those cool kids who doesn't have one? Or has like five?
I want to say a major thank you to those who have asked me questions so far... Keep them coming! Hopefully they'll give me something to do as a distraction.
Just a reminder.... You are beautiful!
love the necklace! and great quote about moments being irreplaceable. today my cousins posted the professional family portraits my whole fam had done over christmas...i didnt go. i was the only one missing from the picture. i didn't go bc of all ED reasons. sigh. great last picture at the end!
ReplyDeleteOoh four leaf clover - my last blog post was about one of those :-)
ReplyDeleteAs someone who used to overexercise and now rarely does more than walking, I can definitely recommend it. I have more time and energy to be sociable/creative/productive and to enjoy daily life, and I never suddenly expanded into a huge whale as a consequence of stopping exercise.
If you give your body time to adjust, it will! I know this is hard to believe once you are in the exercise cycle, but I could make a huge list of all the things that stopping has allowed me to do, and allowed me to do better.
I'm very much looking forward to seeing your answers to the questions...I won't give you any more cos I've given you too many already! Hehe
Sarah x
Aw hun, it sounds like a tough time for you- just remember there is more out there than staying in our routine bubbles focussing on food and exercis,e although at first when we stop those things life may seem a little empty that's just because we're so used to what we've been doing. You WILL find contentment in a healthy way- it's all about balance. Yes exercise is great but in moderation, not when it's the sole focus of everything. Have you got any hobbies you used to enjoy you can go back to? Or take up something new? I took up knitting when I started recovery! It's a great time-filler, soothing and you get a great sense of achievement when you finish something!
ReplyDeleteLots of love, keep fighting the good fight.
xxxxx
That necklace is lovely :) ooh, my full name is Kathleen Marie Cullinane, and I am indeed half Irish. You can claim you're related to me if you want!
ReplyDeleteAside from the fact that your writing style is uniquely Rachael, the content of this post could have come from most people with eating disorders, because we ALL believe that we are the exception to the rule. Everyone else deserves to recover and has the potential to be free from all this crap, but we are special, we have genuinely slow metabolisms/really do look fat at normal weights/have to exercise or will go into a terminal and flabby decline/can't stand being at a healthy weight because our mood and anxiety gets so out of control. I've been on various ED websites for a grand total of nine years now, and I can't remember anyone off hand who HASN'T come out with one or more of those. Of those people, the ones who do recover have never found that to be the case in reality. It's all eating disordered illusion. Your metabolism might be slow at the moment, but that's because you're underweight. Unless you have thyroid problems you will need the same amount of calories as everyone else to maintain a healthy weight. You will look the same as anyone you have ever admired who is at a healthy weight. You will not need to exercise for hours every day to be acceptable. And you will learn to deal with any problems with anxiety/depression/trauma issues in healthy ways. It is absolutely possible, and I know how real all your fears seem at the moment (this is coming from a girl who thought that an extra rice cake would make her gain 5lbs overnight :P ), but they are products of the eating disorder. You ARE special...but most likely not in the ways you're worrying about ;)
x
Rachael!
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry that you are struggling with feeling like you have to exercise.. but realizing the insanity of it all is half the battle ;) I can relate so well to feeling like you are some special case that won't have the crazy metabolic processes that allow so many people to eat insanely high amounts of food while gaining slowly.. but let me tell you from experience that YOU ARE NOT A SPECIAL CASE ;) Sorry to put it bluntly.. but we all will experience a revved up metabolism if we just let our bodies do the work… aka… no exercise, lots of food.
As for filling up your time.. you are an amazing writer… surely in addition to some extra long blog posts you could work on some other written work?
xox
Tat
Ps.. My middle name is actually Tatianna :) My first name is Bianca but I go by my middle name because my mom's name is Bianca too which could get a little confusing ;) She gave her first child her first name and her second child (my sister) her second name!
What I'm afraid will happen (gaining weight) actually WILL HAPPEN. When I read about people who stopped exercising and didn't gain weight or who have monstrous beasts of metabolisms that require massive quantities of food just to maintain weight, it makes me so angry at my body. Which I think is part of why I'm so afraid of doing this, because I feel like me/my body is different. That maybe other people can be normal and free without worrying but I'm "terminally unique." Raaargh.
ReplyDeleteBoy, oh boy... that is exactly how I feel. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I don't have the answers. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this right now. I can also relate to the whole "wanting to reach out for support but nobody is there" thing; I know it's not the same, but I kind of live in front of a computer by necessity, so I'm always here if you want to talk!
I don't have a middle name, which was a source of much chagrin when I was a kid. I do, however, have a name with "unusual" spelling... which means that everyone always spells it incorrectly!! My parents and their "originality" ...
<3 <3
Hi there! Thanks for de-lurking and leaving a comment on my blog :) That way I could find you! So you live close to me? I'm so glad you find inspiration on my blog! That means the world to me! Thanks for your comment :) I look forward to getting to know you better!
ReplyDeleteRachael, sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling :( I used to be a compulsive over-exerciser as well... it completely took over my life; I'd avoid doing anything just so I could stick to my exercise/meal schedule. But my body eventually gave up on me and I was forced to stop. Now I don't do more than a small walk and some gentle stretches, and let me tell you... I haven't ballooned up. Overexercising and undereating are really detrimental to the body and your metabolism. The body is an amazing thing; if you give it what it needs it will work wonders for you. But you have to take the initial leap of faith and let it learn to trust you... The first step is always the hardest... it brings the most anxiety. But if you see it through, you'll find better things on the other side. I can PROMISE you this.
ReplyDeleteYou're not some "special case", love. I use to think I was as well, then I started eating way more and I was actually shocked to see that nothing happened the way I expected it to. Be strong, love. The first steps are hard but necessary. Take those and the walk will get easier, I promise <3
Oh Rachael, I could have written that post, I just relate to so much of what you said. I avoid visiting my granny to much or keep it short when I do because I worry of sitting and getting my exercise muddle up. I regret this terribly it makes me feel so guilty, I think if she died tomorrow, how would I feel knowing I didnt spend the last precious days with her because I was to wrapped up in myself and my disorder?
ReplyDeleteMy days are spent just like you described and it affects everything, I feel like I no longer have time for doing things like just watching a movie, reading a book or doing something I truely enjoy.
Eds like to rob people of all pleasure in life and replace it with 'its' rules.
Take the advice of the wonderful ladies above, you arent an exception to the rule, they werent, they have been through this to and know what they are talking about. You just need to trust their words and take that leap of faith, try breaking that exercise routine and you`ll see it wont affect your weight like you imagine, but its taking that first step thats the hard part.
I wish I could offer more help, I know how agonising this can feel and I would love to see you free from it.
xox
Laura
I identify with every single word of this post. I'm so relieved yet so saddened that I'm not the only one that struggles to break out of their exercise routines only for there to be a gaping void that can't be filled. Without my exercise, I literally have nothing to do apart from go to university and write essays. Sure, I paint, but all of that just comes under the sedentary/stuck in the house category. So I slip back into my old ways because there's nothing 'worth' giving them up for. I wish I could offer some great advice like everyone else here has but I'm very much stuck in the same rut.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I sympathise so much and also find myself jealous of others who can eat more/do less than me and not balloon, and resenting my body for not being one of those people. But, like you, I have never truly given it a chance because I'm too afraid to find out if my fears will be realised. It seems logical that they would be, I know, but clearly our routines aren't making us happy or healthy either.
*hugs*
~Jess~
xoxoxox
girl!
ReplyDeleteI know how these feelings can be so damaging and seem constant, but I know you can get past them. I stopped exercising cold turkey and then the next day didn't feel the urge, and it has been easier every day. Ed is screaming you will gain but that is soo not true, such a lie, darling girl, I know you can figure things out...Love love those flower picures - stunning! Hoping your day goes well love!
xxx
amanda
Hey Rachael,
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much to what you are saying! I kept nodding, I feel like I could have written it myself.
That being said, I know how hard of a time you are having right now. Not wanting to miss out on life and friends, but feeling trapped because you have to stick to routine. Having your thoughts and plans taken over by ED and his nastiness :( You deserve SOOO much more than this! ED is always wrong, he says you will gain too fast, when in reality, it is impossible! I can assure you that now, looking back at my weight gain, I wish it had gone so much faster so I could have gotten here that much faster, back living my life.
Keep on fighting! I know you can do it :]
Scott
Rachael, Rachael, Rachael, I wish that I could just kick your ED right out of your life. I wish I could make you see that being a healthy weight is a beautiful thing (something I'm slowly convincing myself). The thing is, no matter how hard I wish, or you wish, none of that is going to happen unless YOU make it happen. It won't be easy but I believe you have the strength to overcome this.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a good step would be to take a new class but something that ISN'T exercise related. This would force you to get out of the house and away from exercise while also opening up your world to something new.
I've struggled with it too, and I think I still struggle with it, to some extent. Granted, I've started to appreciate exercise for the way it makes me feel, and I really do love to run, but I still get anxious when I miss a day. "Rest days" have always been hard to me to swallow, but I'm finally allowing it. I think that recovery is so much more than just getting back to a certain weight, eating certain foods. It's the acceptance of a different mindset, in which thinness and food, and even health, aren't the center of everyday living. Hang in there girl!
ReplyDeleteRachael, you can't be the special case because I am the special case. :) I will be the exception to the rule in that I'm not worried about gaining weight--I need to--but rather worried about filling the time.
ReplyDeleteMy anxiety is only quelled by exercise and food control, so if I take that away, what will I do? I could take a class, write more, art, etc. but when it comes right down to it, I want to be active. Period. Exercising makes me feel like I've "done" something in an otherwise boring, unproductive day (as i see it).
We both know this isn't true, but I can relate SOOOO much, as right now I feel like all I'm doing is wasting time in between eating and going to the gym for that precious half hour. It does me no good, except mentally, yet I go anyway like a rebellious toddler.
What I think we have to remember is that we're really not giving ourselves a chance to get to a healthy weight/mindset by continuing to overexercise. The comments above prove that we need to take a leap of faith and try something else...we might be bored, feel useless, lazy, etc. but that doesn't mean we are useless, lazy, etc. Maybe we just need new goals?
Oh, I had this long comment and now it's gone...
ReplyDeleteWanted to say my Grandma also has a tree in the backyard I always climb! It's an apple tree. I've just been there last weekend.
I have two middle names, but middle names are not really common here. I love them, they're awesome because I'm named after my other grandmother and my godmother. My grandmother had a really cool name, it's old and quite rare and the evil spider in a children's TV series has the same name! ;)
Maybe you could try painting? I love it. I paint with acrylic colours. Hope you find something that you love to do!
oo
I can absolutely relate to 100% of what you wrote here. I've turned down chances to visit relatives, see my grandparents, spend time with family, etc all because of my eating disorder. And I hate that it has made me do those things. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a result of the disease not some sign of how selfish I am. Everyone who struggles with ED feels this way and has such anxiety about anything that breaks into their food and exercise routines.
ReplyDeleteAnd I too was sure that I was different from everyone else, that I had a bad metabolism, the whole story. And I think everyone is. You're definitely not alone there. But those thoughts are really only ED talking and not the reality.
Finding something to do outside of ED related things was such a struggle for me. I know that I would sit for hours bored and anxious feeling like I should be exercising and being unable to concentrate on anything else I tried to do. And I think that the only way through that is just to give it time. After awhile I started to get actually interested in other things.
Take care
That is an amazing quote! I think I'm going to start asking myself that every day (: I can relate to your feelings of resentment toward your body - I always feel as though things are so unfair, I always envied those with super high metabolisms. As far as activities to keep you occupied, I love cleaning/organizing. I'm weird? haha (:
ReplyDeleteMy middle name is Cheyenne (:
-Kylee
I love that Steve Jobs quote- very inspiring.
ReplyDeleteRachael, are you by any chance seeing a therapist/dietitian or in any sort of IOP program? I honestly think that doing PHP or IOP might be a very helpful and valuable investment of your time- it sounds like you're still struggling a lot with the ED (what's good though is that you're frustrated by this), but I really think it would be beneficial to seek more intensive help and support otherwise you'll just remain stagnant in the ED> I'm telling you girl, doing PHP last summer was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I never thought I could possibly be happy with myself as I am now.
Hugs