This post's title has nothing to do with anything I want to discuss, but that little tidbit of knowledge seriously blew my mind... Anyways, bon soir! I don't think I've ever posted at night before. It would probably be more exciting if I was typing by candlelight or the light of the moon though. Ah well, maybe next time.
Today one of my friends asked me what the worst moment in my eating disorder was. I sat there for a good minute unable to answer. Not since I couldn't think of anything, but because I have so many scary and miserable memories related to anorexia and couldn't identify just one as "the worst." Which got me thinking, if there is something in your life warranting a "worst memory" question, wouldn't it make sense to not want it in your life? Not even considering if it has caused so much suffering that you can't choose from all the horrific memories stemming from it. So why would I want to hold onto something which has brought all these terrible experiences? I wish I had an answer.
Well... I took the second half of the GED. I'm finally (hopefully) done! I don't learn whether or not I passed for the next 2-3 weeks though. Apparently they have to send the answer sheets to Washington D.C. for grading. If Obama wants to personally check over my test I guess that's fine with me. ;) It sucks that I have to wait so long, but I'm amazingly relieved to be done. I've put off taking the test for so many years, as I was sitting there it felt so surreal. Definitely not a pleasant experience though. The room was freezing cold and no one was allowed to wear jackets. Trying to prevent cheating I guess? But it's super hard to sustain that level of focus and concentration for six hours straight, especially when you're distracted by the possibility of your frostbitten toes needing amputation. Am I the only person who grows increasingly nervous when I get the same answer over and over again, like B B B B? I start second guessing myself, thinking "Four of the same letter?!? One MUST be wrong!"
Maybe it's not my weekend but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy
I don't want to waste another minute here.
- All Time Low
I think part of why I put off taking the GED or getting my driver's license (That's next on the agenda) for so long is because it bought me time. As long as I had my non-diploma and inability to get from point A to point B on my side, I had excuses for my complete stagnation and aimlessness in my life. So even though I'm happy to be taking such big steps towards independence and responsibility, it really scares me too. Especially because I have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life. I was so set on starving myself to death, I never considered what I would do if I actually lived. So now the future is this huge blank, and it's really scary and intimidating. Plus I just might be the queen of inability-to-make-a-decision-ness. Choices are definitely not my forte. I've read articles suggesting to think back to what you wanted to be as a little kid... But considering I aspired to be a princess or a tree, that's not very helpful. What did you want to be when you grew up as a child? What do you want to do now? Do you know?
While you ponder that here are some more amusing sights I managed to capture with my camera phone. I may have weirded out some people taking pictures but I couldn't resist!
Random thought of the day: The guy who invented milk... What the heck was he doing with the cow? And do I even want to know?
Wow swim upside down does still spell swim...it's random facts like that which impress me! haha
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you couldn't answer the worst memory question, because it's a horrible way to frame your life...in terms of bad memories. Sure bad experiences can be good learning experiences, but idk it's kind of a not very nice thing to revisit just for the sake of it.
Don't worry about knowing what you want to do with your life....just focus on figuring out each step at a time, like right now I want to do X. When I decided to recover I found myself in the same black hole of indecision...where on earth was I going now? But now I realise it's exciting not to know, and in doing this art course I want to do, I'm satisfying a short term goal...right now I really want to do art, so that's ok...who cares if it will lead to anything or not? The experience will be a valuable one and at least I'll spend a year doing something I enjoy.
Ok I better stop now before I take up a whole page with this comment!
Lots of love
Sarah x
I like this post. When I was a kid I wanted to be a writer and write crime/mystery books. I loved Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden books so much. I was a hopeless writer. I remember on a paper I got back when I was in high school, I got a D because it was too melodramatic. I did end up getting a bachelors degree and a masters degree, but because they are in arts, it's quite general, though the masters is in journalism (don't really like journalists though, lol). It's more helpful for when there are jobs that say you need a degree but don't specify what. I love working at universities and I've worked for the government. I just left the university I was working for and now am looking for a new adventure :-)
ReplyDeleteSarah
omg that title made me a bit nauseas trying to flip the thing upside down in my head hahha. congrats on finishing the GED! ugh, hate standardize testing--but yes, its over!
ReplyDeletei hope you can keep moving forward. i too am stagnated and feeling stuck--but ready to break free!
love you girl
Congrats on the GED! That's huge! I know for me a big part of not really wanting recovery was because while I was sick I could stagnate. No one expected very much of me and I didn't have to worry about responsibility. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly it is I want and how to get there and it's scary. But it's also one of the best things I've done. Good for you for taking this step!
ReplyDeleteI feel like this title is the biggest revelation ever lol. I sat here for about five minutes just thinking, "wow, I never realized that before." Pathetic.
And Sairs--I wanted to write mysteries too! And Trixie Belden is my fucking hero to this day! I love her.
Congrats on the GED! It's great you're making progress to move past the "stagnate", even though standardized tests suck. I hate it when all the letters are the same, too. When I was little I wanted to be a vet and live in Colorado. Funny now, since I hate blood and cold!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I can completely relate. I have no idea what I want to do in my life... I've been going to university for the past 5 years and I keep changing my mind and major. Clearly decision making is not my forte either. You're right though... ED is a good excuse for refusing to move on in life, but it's a dangerous and miserable one that I'm starting to get tired of. Nothing that life "out there" throws at you can be any worse than growing old with only ED to keep you company. It's good that you're taking steps towards a life that will offer you more than ED ever can.
ReplyDeletesxy granma!? ewwww! barf. haha. congrats on finishing yourGED, that's great!! go celebrate, i'm sure oyu did well :). i can picture obama grading your exam in the oval office lol. great song quote! and i idnd't know swims upside down is swims, awesome! oh and great minds DO think alike, heated up fiber cakes is hte only way to go, i even heated mine up yesterday before i put it in the yogurt!
ReplyDeleteHaha I love it ;) I wonder about the guy who invented cheese - the traditional, non-vegetarian version is made using a substance that comes out of a cow's stomach! HOW on earth could you stumble upon that chemical reaction by accident? It's all quite disturbing. When I was younger I didn't have a clue what I wanted to be, and now I'm older I...don't have a clue what I want to be. Other than something helpful.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the GED went OK :) and yes, I get paranoid about multiple choice questions when the answer is the same letter over and over again. It's freaky! I will mentally cross my fingers for you until you get the results back :)
Congratulations on taking those steps forward. Independence and responsibility IS a scary thing- and here I am about to be a senior in college and I have NO IDEA what kind of a career I want to go into/what I'll do after I graduate and scares the helllll outta me- but you know what, that's life- moving forward. I definitely also used my ED as an excuse for so much as well.
ReplyDeleteawi have no doubt taht you will find something in your life that you are passionate about and want to do!! and i agree, it i shard to think of a worst moment but the fact of the matter is, it is all bad, u know? and congrats on finishing the GED!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a kid, I always wanted to be a published writer. Which I've done, but much to my dismay, it does not a living make.
ReplyDeleteMy mom says that when I was little I said that I wanted to be a librarian. I think I said that because I thought I'd get to read all day. Alas, that isn't the case either!
I think it's basically a trial and error thing... sometimes you have to do things you might hate in order to find the one thing you love.
Congratulations on finishing the test!
<3 <3
love your random fact of the day! haha so true!
ReplyDeleteI've wondered about that milk question too! Why were you playing with that cows udders..
ReplyDeleteHaha.. I like the grandma that owns that car. She sounds like she would be a blast to chill with.
When I was little I wanted to be Pocahontas, then a model, then a vet, and then an astronaught. After that last one I decided to just stop wanting to be anything and see how life turned out. So far it's quite undecided and I'm not happy about that.
Congrats on the test! I don't believe we have those in Canada. In fact, I'm pretty sure we don't as I'm still not quite sure what the heck a GED test actually is. Haha.. I get paranoid about the multiple letter answer's too.. and usually end up changing some out of my paranoia which results in my new answer being the wrong one while the first choice was actually correct. I don't appreciate being tricked like that.
Rachael! You're so quirky, I love it. I'm going to tell everyone I know about the "swims" thing! That's so cool (:
ReplyDeleteGood job on doing things like taking the GED and getting your license. You may have done these things a little late, but the point is you're still getting them done! I wouldn't fret about not knowing what you want to do with your life - most people don't know or if they think they do, they end up being wrong. As for me, there was a time when I was 7 I thought being a dolphin would be a cool profession. We can ignore the impossibility of this. We can also ignore that I didn't learn to properly swim until I was 13 and was scared of water for most of my childhood.
Besides that I wanted to be a teacher, and I still do. It's the only thing I can really see myself doing and loving.
You'll figure it out (: Just give it time. -Kylee
PS-SXYGRMA? That's totally my car, don't be hatin'! :p
Haha I love your ending random thought! I don't really think we should think about it too much. Gross.
ReplyDeleteGlad that the GED's over for you! Now you need some serious relaxation time if at all possible...take a well-deserved rest :)
ReplyDeleteI feel similarly to you in the respect that I am largely vocationless. My love for art doesn't translate into enough talent to make a career out of it and I have zero passion for anything else, unless someone would care to pay me to either run or blog :P But I think with you, you're still discovering your identity outside of your anorexia. Perhaps dipping into different areas on a voluntary basis might help, but in reality you have so much time ahead of you to really figure things out. Don't put too much pressure on yourself this early on.
*hugs*
~Jess~
Congratulations on completing the GED! I think I would have died after the first three hours… At least I still have toes ;)
ReplyDeleteThe love-hate relationship with ED is one I will never fully understand. I hate it so much, but I still can't ignore the fact that I don't want to let it go. Sometimes I think it's because I don't want to be out there in the real world, doing what normal people do. That would mean that I would have to make decisions about money, schooling, and a career. So I guess, leading into your question, I have no idea what I want to do… If I don't know who I am, how I am supposed to know who I want to be?
Yikes! Sorry for the heaviness of that comment...
Chow sweetie :)
Tat