Last night I was recruited to babysit our next door neighbor's two daughters. I just might be the world's worst babysitter. I'm not be a pro (... okay, I suck) at setting boundaries already, but with little kids it's taken to a whole new level because of the whole not listening/doing what they are told factor. It seriously took watching a shelf's worth of Disney movies before those girls finally fell asleep. While we were watching 101 Dalmations I had the revelation of a lifetime. Cruella Deville... She's not villainous, she's anorexic! Her wickedness isn't stemming from a heart of stone but from hunger induced crankiness.
When she has guests for dinner, all of Cruella's food is strange colors and tastes of pepper (alluding to her quick temper). She constantly stokes a roaring fire and complains of being cold despite the elevated temperature.
I rest my case. Food rituals and excessive use of condiments much? With such a low body fat percentage the poor woman is freezing, hence her obsession with acquiring a fur coat. Although the desire for one made out of puppies I can't explain. Or her bizarre hairdo. Regardless, it's definitely the greatest breakthrough since Fleming's accidental discovery of penicillin. Maybe none of the Disney villains are truly evil, they just need some serious therapy and a hug.
Seriously though, it's true that ED can make us into monsters. Lead us to do or say things we never could have imagined. My parents used to call me Linda Blair, like the possessed girl from "The Exorcist." I hissed sharp and venomous things at those who loved me, spit out acidic words which cut and sliced like shards of glass. And afterwards I couldn't remember a thing. A year ago in therapy my dad shared an incident from when he tried convincing me to eat something and I (?) snapped at him in a voice he'd never heard before "No, she will not. Leave me alone." He said it was one of the most terrifying experiences in his life, that in that moment he realized whatever I was struggling with was too powerful for him to fight and that he couldn't beat it. I felt so guilty for the pain and fear I was putting my family through, the shameless and cruel behavior. And my eating disorder used my actions as fuel and evidence building up my belief that I was an evil monster who deserved to die, perpetuating the endless cycle of starvation and punishment.
Even today I have a difficult time separating my past actions and behaviors from myself. While I am responsible, they were also influenced by my eating disorder. Which is NOT ME. Rachael is not evil. In this moment I can "say" it and believe it. Rachael doesn't deserve punishment or death. But ED does. And I'm doing my best every day to shovel his grave a little deeper, rather than feverishly digging my own.
Sooo... I want to hear what you guys think. Comments, concerns and cries of disbelief are all welcome!
1.) What's your opinion on my Cruella DeVille theory?
2.) Have you seen "The Exorcist?" I definitely haven't. Just the little clips on youtube freaked me out!
3.) If you could babysit a little kid version of yourself, what would you do? Play dress up? Color with crayons? What would you eat? What movies would you watch?
You struck me when you said that "ED can make us into monsters." This is SO true. I used to really snap at my Mom... I was borderline violent sometimes! By dinner time I was ready to murder somebody, yet I was in denial about what was really causing me to be so angry. So your theory could be spot on.
ReplyDeleteI have next to no experience with kids. If anything, I think I'll only gain experience if and when I have them. God help me (and my future kids!) lol
I'm a horrible babysitter, too. I just have no spine with kids. I definitely see the Cruella DeVille theory...I haven't seen 101 Dalmatians in forever, but it all makes sense! I haven't seen the Exorcist, but I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose, and it scared the sh!t out of me. I can't watch scary movies! I used to love when my babysitters watched Disney movies and ate pizza with me.
ReplyDeleteI see where you're coming from with the ED-monster thing. I used to get super upset and irritable for NO REASON, especially around mealtime :/
well growing up i was scared to death of cruella deville. no lie, when i was alone in the bathroom i always had to find something yellow to assure myself she wouldn't come attack me. true story.
ReplyDelete&& the anorexic theory is totally legit!!
& i cannot handle scary movies one bit, suffice to say i have not seen the exorcist.
if i could babysit myself i would do my nails, play babies, make chicken nuggets :) wonderful question!!
happy monday!!
xoxo
Hahahaaha!! I love your theory!! Cruella was probably anorexic. And her obsession with making other people's lives miserable!
ReplyDeleteOkay, and yeah, I totally agree. When I was in my deepest ED-days, I was a total monster. I didn't care for anyone but myself....ironically, to KILL myself. I was in destructive mode, not only destroying myself, but bitter towards everyone else as well.
And...if I had to babysit myself, I would lock myself in a cupboard.
holy crap that is so true!!! hahah i totally buy that she had an eating disorder... so interesting. and it CAN make us into monsters- i was totally like that... so sad.
ReplyDeleteI can agree with the eating disorder. And soo true about how the ED makes us different people. My parents would always comment how I was, so different, and it hurt me so much, because I was so entrenched in something that was so strong, it overpowered my parents love. I was SUCH a monster. A sleeping monster though, because I was usually too tired to get up.
ReplyDeletedude your theory is spot on! she's totally anorexic. now i have pity for her, sad! my ED definitely unleashed the cruella within me too :(
ReplyDeleteHaha...I think you're right about Cruela. I'd never thought about it that way, but now I'm going to have to watch it again :) And oh my goodness, I sooo feel like a monster when I'm deep into ED land. I guess hunger will do that to a person.
ReplyDeleteI haven't watched Cruela for ages, so honestly can't remember. I have a slight problem of falling asleep no matter what movie is on, even if it's really good!
ReplyDeleteI have seen the exocist, funny that the theme song is tune for my mobile phone. I was living alone during the worst of my ED so I didn't really have the types of moods like that. The only one that dealt with my moods was my cat and he didn't care as long as he got his breakfast and dinner.
I was a monster kid though, I was always in trouble. I was always beating up my little brother and screaming abuse at my parents. I would hate to babysit me, lol. I think if I did have to babysit me, I would give me a slight sedative and then I'd know I wouldn't have a hard night, lol. Nah just kidding.
Sarah
Rachael, this revelation is amazing. I never, for the life of me, would have come up with that conclusion. You are incredible, honestly. Although I love Cruella, her being one of my favourite characters (because she truly is a "character") I now sympathise her. Her Anorexic behaviours are so obvious! And her need to make fur coats out of puppies is probably the "evil" side of her (the black side ofher hair?) making her do it. Something along those lines. I can't put it as eloquently as you!
ReplyDeleteED makes even the most wonderful, beautiful and bright people monsterous. It's a drug, a hallucinogen, a poison. We are taken over, but our strength is returning and we're able to differentiate between US and ED. Rachael is not evil. Rachael deserves happiness, health, a life.
Come babysit ME anytime you like! Watching Disney movies sounds like the greatest baby-sitting experience ever. ;)
LOVE,
Eleanor xo
Wow good observation...I love this film, but never noticed Cruella's eating disordered behaviour!
ReplyDeleteIt's true, I believe that behind every nasty, seemingly evil person is a frightened little child, struggling to deal with lots of issues which are making them deeply unhappy.
I think you would be an awesome baby sitter...although my child self would probably want to watch old Dr Who videos...weird I know!
Sarah x
Your Cruella-theory sounds very convincing, I think!
ReplyDeleteI saw the Exorcist once, but it was actually quite boring...
If I had to babysit my little Me, I would totally bake cookies together.
I love your Curella theory! So true :)
ReplyDeleteIt is so true that ED makes us into someone we never were before and never wanted to be. IT makes us withdrawal from social and family gatherings and keeps our minds on one train of thought, food. It truly makes us into monsters, and each step we make towards recovery, the more of our own personality we gain with it :)
You are amazing!
Scott
LOL I like it. Cruella is totally anorexic. I did and said some pretty crappy things when I was ill, I think everyone does. It's hard to forgive yourself for things like that when you didn't even like yourself to start off with, so sometimes I tried imagining what I would say to a friend in the same situation. You'd never tell one of your eating disordered friends that they were cruel or selfish, you would say that they were unwell and stressed, and that malnutrition does strange things to the brain. That's no less true for you. I always worried that there would be nothing left of me once the eating disorder was gone, but you really do rediscover your personality in recovery. The real Rachael seems like a lovely, supportive, friendly person who I would want to be friends with if I knew her in real life. You're no Cruella ;)
ReplyDeleteHaving Cruella de Ville as the personification of eating disorders is such a great idea ~ she's always puffing on a cigarette in a bid to curb her appetite too...and she's the perfect example of how being scarily thin is not the reflection of being successful, kind or even attractive.
ReplyDeleteI've seen The Exorcist but honestly, it's not that bad. It's aged quite significantly and some parts of it are quite amusing. It does still have the power to shock but not in a wet-your-pants terrifying kind of way.
I think if I'd babysat my obnoxious childhood self I probably would have locked me in a broom cupboard the entire time - I was a little brat and no mistake.
Your ED does not make you a monster - it alters brain chemistry and there are biological reasons behind your outbursts just as there are for my psychotic episodes due to bipolar disorder. Malnutrition inhibits your ability to think straight, so don't see your behaviour as something you can control or something you should feel guilty about. Just see it as an incentive to kick your disorder into touch once and for all.
*hugs*
~Jess~
OMG you're so right. She is anorexic!! Ugh, I know what you mean about being a monster though. I said and did the most horrible things to people when I was sick. It was almost like I had no inhibitions. Scary. But like Jess said, it's a symptom of the malnutrition and not a reflection of who you really are. So don't make yourself feel badly about it. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to becoming a monster in the depths of my illness... even now if I get too hungry, I become someone unfamiliar. It's a really disturbing thing actually, as I hate the person I become. More incentive to keep getting better, I suppose :)
ReplyDeleteI think you may have hit the nail on the head with regards to Cruella... it just gives me an excuse to watch 101 Dallies again :)
I haven't seen The Exorcist... I like to be able to fall asleep at night.
If I could babysit my kid self, I'd watch Disney movies while snacking on popcorn and Rice Crispy squares... then make forts out of sofa cushions and pillows....
I love your Cruella de Vil theory... brilliant! It's dissertation material. ;)
ReplyDelete<3 <3
1.) What's your opinion on my Cruella DeVille theory?
ReplyDeleteUhm.. if I haven't already told you that you're a complete genius, I will say it now because this my friend is the most amazing discovery since Einstein's theory of Relativity...
2.) Have you seen "The Exorcist?" I definitely haven't. Just the little clips on youtube freaked me out!
Nope.. and I don't plan on it any time soon, that stuff is too scary for me!
3.) If you could babysit a little kid version of yourself, what would you do? Play dress up? Color with crayons? What would you eat? What movies would you watch?
I would spend the first hour baking cupcakes, the following three hours decorating said cupcakes with chocolate frosting, gummy worms and an atrocious amount of sprinkles, and then I would spend the last hour devouring said cupcakes... :)
(I don't think I could stand babysitting for more than four hours, even if it was a kid-version of myself!)
Oh.. and Lion King would definitely be playing in the background. Come to think of it.. Scar was a bit on the thin side as well, non? ;)
Have I mentioned lately how much I love your quirkiness? Seriously!
ReplyDeleteI think your theory is seriously clever and probably accurate! I've never seen The Exorcist because I hate scary movies - seriously, the original Frankenstein gave me nightmares. If I were babysitting myself as a child, we'd read Green Eggs & Ham, watch "Cinderella", eat chicken nuggets, and wear our shoes on the wrong feet.
(: -Kylee
That theory concerning Cruella sounds so true! Now that I think about it, it all makes sense.. maybe if someone fed her then she wouldn't be such a bitch.
ReplyDeleteI think I've seen the Exorcist but I don't really remember it. Although, I know what your referring to about the two personality things. One is evil (ED) and the other truly isn't (us). I've found that swearing and seriously bitch-talking to the ED helps put the power back into your hands. Seriously, try it - swear at him and do it out loud. Feels SO good, just make sure no one is around. ;)
If I could babysit my younger self, we would definitely color up a storm, create weird potions out of random things, and watch tons of Disney movies - Pocahontas, Oliver and Company, Cats Don't Dance, Little Mermaid, etc..