Got To Be A Chocolate Jesus Keepin' Me Satisfied.

Juan Carlos Jr. Jr. (my ipod) has a man-crush on Tom Waits. Or he's got mad PMS and is craving some chocolate. I know this because every time I put the setting on shuffle he plays "Chocolate Jesus." You know you're in trouble when even your i-pod has an obsession.

It's best to wrap your savior up in cellophane

He flows like the big muddy 

But that's okay

Pour him over ice cream for a nice parfait.

Every night I listen to music as I fall asleep. It's excruciatingly painful because the earbud headphone-y thingies dig into my ear really hard on the side that is pressed against the pillow (Am I the only one who experiences this torture? How do you deal?), but I continue to do it every night despite the discomfort. I can't stand silence. As I type this post itunes is playing on my computer and the TV is blaring a commercial for Sonic. *Have you ever actually witnessed a Sonic? I've only seen commercials. They're like an urban legend, the Loch Ness Monster of Los Angeles.* Anyways. But at night there is only darkness and silence, no distraction from the chaos (like the Sonic-related randomness above) and anxious thoughts in my head. So I blare music into my cranium, praying that maybe if I play it loud enough the stinkin' thinkin' will be blasted out of my ears. Or at least make my thoughts seem quieter compared to the tunes.

So last night I was listening to this song.  

So good.

As I listened I was filled with optimism and hope. I thought about how amazing it must be, to be able to just open your mouth have something so incredible come out. I want to do that, to make out of nothing something that matters and is important. I want to create, bring something beautiful into the world. I don't know what it would be - art, dance, writing.... Definitely not singing. (I wouldn't subject anyone to such a cruel thing.), but I'm so excited to do it. 

As quickly as one song ended and another began, my thoughts did a complete turnaround. Suddenly a voice in my head whispered that I may have the ambition, but no talent to speak of. That the only thing I could ever hope to be good at is killing myself and my body is the most powerful tool I have. It silkily and convincingly insisted an emaciated appearance is the only way in which I could ever effect someone or be powerful. In the past I felt as though my body was a piece of paper on which I scribble my pain and held it out in front of me for everyone to see my insides, feelings I couldn't articulate or understand. Being wheeled tethered to a feeding tube or rolling up my sleeve to reveal a carved up arm evoked a stronger response than simply saying "I'm angry," ever could. And it was certainly more visceral. The words were so alluring and seductive. Needless to say after this inner dialogue went down I was a bit too anxious to drift off to Dreamland. The whole thing left me really shaken, especially how I went from feeling totally hopeful to entrenched in disordered thoughts and beliefs within a couple seconds. I felt like a ghost was rising up from behind a cranny in my brain, saying "Hey buddy, remember me?" What's scary is that the ghost is me. How do you build up defenses when the dangerous threatening enemy is yourself? 

Aaaanyways, thank you guys so much for the good luck wishes and smartness vibes regarding the GED. First day done, one more to go! It was intense. Six hours test taking like a fiend. Plus there were crazy distractions, like people blatantly cheating and whatnot. They don't let you leave the room except for one five minute break, so in the home stretch I was literally like I don't care about my diploma anymore! I just need to pee!! Haha. I met a guy named Math though, which was cool. He said there are only two people on the planet named that, including himself. And apparently the other Math lives in England and is really really old, so it's just a matter of time before there is only one Math left. Can you imagine? I feel like that's something I would do if I had a kid. Or do experiments on him/her like this: 

Today I spent most of the day teaching my dog to come when I yell "Accio dog!" and to drop his toys when I yell "Expeliarmus!" I feel I've spent my day productively. MLIA. 

It's probably blessing for both the unborn child and mankind in general that I don't want kids.

Random musing of the day: I'm assuming you've heard the saying, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." It reminds me of how ED patients are told that food is their medicine. What you do when the spoonful of sugar is the medicine? That's what I'm wondering. ;) 

Oh, and happy February! A certain snacky lady is having a giveaway... Check it out!