Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine...

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

- J.D. Salinger

Rest in peace, Mr. Salinger. I raise my red hunting hat to you in a salute. 

Yesterday was also Sarah's birthday, the first one since her death. Throughout the day she was on my mind, like haunting memories of an angel. 

I'm always having thoughts in my head not to care about someone or be open and vulnerable. Because I don't want to give anyone the power to hurt or effect me. So I keep my guard up and hurt myself before anyone else has the chance.

"Finally the danger was no longer outside of me but inside of me. The danger was myself. Bright knife of my body.... I could not be wounded because I was now the weapon."

-Lauren Slater, Prozac Diary

And yet I care so deeply no matter how hard I try. Continually loving and then losing. It hurts and I sometimes wonder if I'm experiencing some sort of karmic payback for what I've put others through, making them watch helplessly as I systematically destroyed myself. My Dad used to refer to me his dark star. I'm not at all smart when it comes to science and this definition could be totally wrong, but he described them as being like black holes. The star's internal pressure is insufficient to withstand it's own gravity and it caves in on itself. Essentially it grows too powerful to exist and collapses in on itself. So even though I miss all those who are gone and would give anything for them to still be here, I like to think of them as not lost but spread out in the sky, my own constellation of dark stars.

(source)

Dark star crashes

pouring its light

into ashes. ~Grateful Dead

It's hard, having all my friends be from treatment. Not all those I lose to ED are physically gone yet, if that makes any sense. For example yesterday I got a phone call from a friend who is in the hospital and another just got out of jail. I'm constantly worrying about them, and it's painful to care for someone more than they do for themselves. I wish desperately I could be a sponge and soak up all their struggles and unhappiness. Not because I think I am stronger and can handle it better than them, but I don't want them to have to. It makes me angry and feels so unfair that such beautiful incredible people are struggling so. I want them to have the happiness they deserve so badly. And yes, even though I don't "know" you I'm thinking of you guys too when I say this!

Rosie says hi.

I hope you all have splendid weekends and happy Friday! I'm taking the first half of the GED tomorrow... Eeek! Six hours taking a standardized test? Hells yes, sign me up. Definitely the way I want to spend my Saturday. I'm really nervous about sitting and being sedentary for such a long period of time. Plus I'm anxious just about the test in general! If you have any extra brainpower, please channel it in my general direction.