My neck should be in jail, because it's killing me! I don't know if I dreamt I was a contortionist last night, but this morning I woke up feeling like Gemina over here.
Moving on. Today I will be going, sore neck included, to take an assessment testing my readiness for the GED. Nervous? Yes please, with a side of anxiety! I did find a lucky penny this morning though, so the fates are on my side today. ;)
It really doesn't help that my sister is in the other room ranting about how the College Board graded her PSAT incorrectly and she actually got a perfect score. It was already challenging to hear her say that what we all thought was her score (pre-College Board discovery) was disappointing when it was significantly higher than mine back in the day. This recent development takes it to a whole new level. It feels like rubbing salt on an old wound, my own insecurities of feeling stupid or like a failure. I try to be compassionate towards myself, remembering that we're on separate journeys and totally different paths, that I really shouldn't be comparing in the first place since our situations are so different. Very easy to say, not so easy to put into practice. Especially when other people bring it up too. My grandmother frequently makes comments to my sister in my presence, saying "You're my only hope for the family," or "I'm sure you know the answer to this question. You're smart. Rachael used to be!" I laugh along with everyone else, but it really stings.
I mentioned how difficult this has been lately to my therapist and she asked what purpose does the comparing serve me? I replied "The feeling bad about myself purpose." She laughed, saying "That's SO 2007!" I've thought about it more since then and gone a tad bit deeper. Constantly comparing myself and feeling like I don't measuring up serves as ammunition which I can continue to beat or berate myself up over. Also, focusing on my sister and her accomplishments serves as a handy distraction from anxiety regarding figuring out what I want to do with my own life. My therapist (I feel so weird and possesive saying that!) reminded me that the issue with my sister isn't going to go away. If anything it's going to get bigger as she starts applying to colleges and whatnot. So how am I going to deal with it?
So now I'm going to pose the question to you guys: How do you handle comparing yourself to others? Logically I know that circumstances have taken me off the "beaten path," but emotionally it just isn't registering.
In life, sometimes everything falls into place, and sometimes everything just falls to pieces. The key is to begin creating with these fallen pieces. By improvising, you'll create something magical that might be the best thing you've ever accomplished.
-Tori Amos
Back by popular demand, here is another round of the Essence Game! I LOOOVE reading your answers! If you haven't already, check out what your fellow bloggers are saying. It's pretty enlightening and profound stuff... Funny too!
If I were a _____, I would be...
Culture- IndiaAge- 5 & 50
Sense- sixth
Travel- Teleportation
Book- "A Little Princess"
Book character- Harriet the spy
Oh, Rachael. Comparing yourself to anyone is just not a fair comparison, because we are all different and unique. We all have different talents, skills and abilities. You're not goign to be good at everything, but neither is your sister. Sure, she might get a really good score, but just because you didn't match it doesn't mean you're a failure. You'll be good at things that she is not, and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a failure, in any sense of the word. You've faced things your sister has not, you've experienced things no one else in the entire world has experienced - because we are all unique.
I always compare myself to girls I see in the street - but then I think, well... She is her, and I am me... And no matter how much I try and compare myself to her, I'm not going to morph into a mirror image of her. My legs will never be her legs, my face will never be her face. Again, everyone is different, and that's what makes us all beautiful.
Culture - Harajuku! (I dunno if that counts, but those Japanese girls are RAD)
Age - Pre-School/kindergarten age, 19, or as old as the Earth.
Sense - Premenition.
Travel - That thing that the guys in Harry Potter do!
Book - Where The Wild Things Are.
Character - MAX! (see above ;) Or Wally, from Where's Wally.
LOVE,
Eleanor. xo
these are so freaking fun!
ReplyDeletegirl..you are different..we all have each, unique, beautiful stories!!
culture-american?!
age-no!
sense-dk?
travel-to fly
book-bible
character-blair waldorf .. bahahah jk!
i'm sorry to hear that you've had a rough time with your sister and all that. my therapist ( i feel weird and possessive saying that too lol) always says "compare and despair" and i think it's a good thing to remember. we really don't get anywhere by comparing, and there is no real way to do so either. hope your neck feels better, that giraffe is crazy!
ReplyDeletebummer about the sore neck, i woke up the other night completely on top of my shoulder, its not pleasant.
ReplyDeletei've spent the majority of my life comparing myself to others, adapting myself to others. i wish i had a recipe on how to stop, how to let it go, and accept. its something i'm trying to work on, i think what helps when i find myself comparing i just take a deep breath, and i change the subject. (as for your grandmother, that's not very nice even if she's just joking) it doesn't always work, but it helps. && you're right everyone is on completely different journeys.
good luck on the assessment beautiful :)
happy thursday!!
xoxo
Culture- french
Age- 27
Sense- hearing
Travel- train
Book- "breakfast at tiffany's"
Book character- holly golightly
Sorry about your neck!! Hope it feels magically better by tomorrow :) (Isn't it weird how it can get hurt so suddenly, but then take sooo long to stop hurting?!)
ReplyDeleteAbout the comparison... I do it all the time, I think. Unconsciously. It's my niece for me. I wish I didn't do it, and it's ridiculous, because I should just realize that we are two very different people. You aren't a failure because you're not your sister -- all you've failed at is being a carbon copy of HER, and that isn't who you're supposed to be. You're meant to be YOU.
<3 <3
I'm not going to lie, that picture of Gemima scares the shit out of me.
ReplyDeleteComparing myself to others.. how do I handle that crap. Uh. I try to focus on the things about myself that I DO like and that helps me realize that no matter what, I like who I am. Sure, a lot of the times I struggle with it but the more you practice seeing yourself in a healthy way, the easier it gets. Warning - I am still practicing so my advice may not be totally legit.
aww rachael i am really sorry you are dealing with this. Comparing is such an unavoidable thing, especially within the family. The important thing is to realize that you are honestly amazing in your own way- everyone has gifts! You are a smart girl, don't let anyone make you think differently. I feel like eating disorders have a lot to do with comparisons, actually. I hate how i feel the constant need to compare myself to those that i see around me.. it is ridiculous & doesn't mkae much sense when i really think about it..but anyways, onto your fun little gameee!!
ReplyDeleteculture-I guess Israeli.. very cool if ya ask me
age- 21 :)
sense- hmm not suree..
travel- agreeance on the teleportation
book- teh book with all hte answers..oh wait, that doesn't exist hahaha.
book character- wow that is truly a tough one!!! hmm.. maybe hermoine!!
I know how you feel...my sister isn't obnoxious about waving it in front of my face, but she has a full time job, a lovely boyfriend, lots of money saved up, she goes on great holidays...I'm two and a half years older and have none of that because I've been ill. But that's just life, really. I'm sorry your sister is being a pain in the ass <3 and that's REALLY insensitive of your grandma. It's not your fault that you've been ill and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. You are smart, and you still have the time to go as far as you want.
ReplyDeleteCulture - I'll stick with British
Age - 30
Sense - touch
Travel - Car :) driving rocks
Book - Jurassic Park! I am more dangerous than a velociraptor when I'm tired, hungry or stressed out :P
Book character - Hermione from Harry Potter
I'm sorry your family makes you feel so inadequate... There is no need to compare yourself with your sister - you are two very different people with very different strengths and weaknesses.
ReplyDeleteMight I suggest you talk to her openly about this? Who knows.. maybe she feels overshadowed by you in some aspects of her own life. Either way, keeping these feelings locked up inside won't make them go away... and any form of honest expression has been known to make a world of difference for me.
f I were a _____, I would be...
Culture- China
Age- 21
Sense- sight
Travel- a pari of feet :)
Book- Anything fantasy
Book character - Harry Potter
Okay...i need to come back here later and write down those 2 quotes...truly worthwhile.
ReplyDeleteRuby: comparing....the story of my LIFE...i know it so intensely and dearly....i could talk to u forever about it...likely much it common about it...i feel it...i live it.
Have a good day girl
I can completely relate to the comparison issue. My younger sister is pretty much brilliant (she got a perfect score on her ACT), has an amazing boyfriend, is in med school, basically seems to have her entire life sorted out beautifully. While I'm living at home and feel like I have no friends of which to speak and no intelligence. The thing is that comparing ourselves is never going to make anything better. We're not our sisters or anyone else. And we're at different places than they are. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to be ashamed of in that no matter what other people seem to say and think.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the stiff neck :( And that picture makes my neck hurt just to look at it lol.
Ohhh wow that giraffe is freaking me out... but I definitely wake up some mornings feeling that way...
ReplyDeleteStopping the constant comparisons is a difficult thing to do. I've found what helped me is to focus more on the things I liked about myself instead of comparing what I didn't like about myself to what I liked in someone else. Everyone is unique and has something beautiful about them. We just need more help seeing the beauty in ourselves :)
Culture - Egyptian
Age - 4 and timeless
Sense - Smell
Travel - Walking
Book - The Life of Pi
Book Character - The Velveteen Rabbit :)
Oh gosh. I totally get what you mean about comparison. I used to (and sometimes still do) compare myself with other, particularly those I am very close to. Actually, comparison is a KILLER. It seems innocuous, but it ravages your very insides, your relationship with yourself, with others. I should know. It nearly killed me. My ED? It all started with comparison, too.
ReplyDeleteI've come to realize that comparison is really, really dangerous, and each time I find myself comparing to others, I catch myself and remind myself that we just CANNOT be compared. Why? Because we are all so unique and individually created by God. We have different backgrounds, personality, appearances, interests, and goals. How can there just be ONE single desirable quality, when every single person in this world is so fantastically and beautifully different?
So I say...it starts with embracing yourself for who you are right now, with every situation, circumstances, and conditions you've got. It starts with self-love. It takes a bit of time, but one day, you'll find yourself unable to compare with others. I'm still working on it myself, but I have hope! :-)