“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
I like that quote. Let's all hatch and fly through the clouds!... Did you know that birds' bones are hollow?
It's weird. Yesterday my dietician asked how it feels for my body to be repairing, for me to be needing to eat more food. I said just a few days ago I'd been thinking to myself that I felt so not anorexic. Which is silly and totally my ED being manipulative, but I digress. It feels as though I'm losing my identity or not performing well. Like if you consistently ran a five minute mile and all of a sudden started completing them in ten minutes. Why can't I see myself as being good at recovery, rather than a failure at my eating disorder? Maddening, I tell you! It's that uncomfortable limbo period when there's this huge black void where ED used to live with nothing (YET!) to fill that emptiness inside.
Today my mom sent me on errands since she's sick with the flu. I had to stop by the market to buy Ajax, trash bags, etc. I decided to make an otherwise boring trip more exciting by skulking around the grocery store pretending I was a criminal from "Cold Case" getting the supplies for my next crime. Maybe a bit morbid, but definitely entertaining. I would highly recommend it the next time you're in an adventurous mood.
Well folks, this is the end of my list from the Essence Game... Sad but true. However I adore reading your answers and if you guys want to keep playing I'm more than willing. So what's your vote? Would you like the game to draw to a close or do you have some more Essence-ness in you? If you want to keep playing, feel free to suggest some more topics or subjects for anyone to answer, including me! Also, there's no pressure to answer them all... Whatever floats your boat.
If I was a ________, I would be...
Travel souvenir- matryoshka doll
Food- artichoke
Disney character- Violet from "The Incredibles"
Children's Book- "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"
Day of the week- first day of vacation
Comedy show- Chelsea Lately
Quote- “…the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness a million times, but never once to it.”
-Jonathan Safran Foer(All images from weheartit.com)
I am so glad you found my blog because now I am so glad to read yours! I look forward to reading more of your posts, you are really insightful, what you are going through with your ed is really rough, I wish you didn't have to deal with an ed!but you are really trying from what I just read! I loved the quote!...I wish you the best!
ReplyDeleteAmanda
limbo is the perfect way to describe the stage of recovery you're in. i love that quote by cs lewis, thanks for sharing it!
ReplyDeleteOMG that artichoke pic just made me LOL! :] so adorable. Ugh, I am SO in that limbo as well. I think we just have to push forward and eventually, that void will get smaller and smaller once we are able to discover who we truly are WITHOUT ED.
ReplyDeletelove,
becca
Heyy! I PROMISE you the identity stuff gets easier...seriously...it took me four years to believe that, but take my word for it. After having had anorexia for so long, that really felt like the only thing I can identify with and recovery brought up all the scary questions I'd been avoiding (but it can be kind of fun too)- like who am I? What do I like? What do I believe? What do I WANT? And that limbo period is hard since you're making the transition- but try out some new hobbies (you obviously like writing since you blog)- find out what you like/don't like, it's really exciting to discover other facets of who you are and what makes you you. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to distinguish between being good at recovery and bad at your eating disorder. how about simply being? taking things one moment at a time. just a thought.
ReplyDeletehang in there :)
So relate to the frustrations over recovery. I have exactly the same thoughts all the time--I want to succeed so badly at everything...except recovery it seems.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
i am proud of you for hte progress you are making in recovery!! you are awesome :)
ReplyDeletexoox
shelley
I totally agree with the other commenters that the identity stuff gets easier. I think I partly replaced my ED ID (hehe) with a recovering identity - I needed something to hang on to, so I told myself that I was going to kill my anorexia, I was not going to be controlled by an illness, I was going to totally recover and that was THAT. Anorexia had supplied me meaning, purpose, direction and goals, so I substituted anorexic versions with recovery versions. It's not enough long term, but when you've been very ill you need to hang on to whatever you can find. You will start learning who you are without the eating disorder, and your anorexic thoughts and feelings will be replaced by healthy ones if you stick with recovery, but only if you DO stick with recovery. Sinking back into the eating disorder is like an alcoholic looking for their identity in the bottom of a bottle. Yes, recovery is hard and uncomfortable and scary, but the only way it ever gets easier is to stick with it :)
ReplyDelete"Why can't I see myself as being good at recovery, rather than a failure at my eating disorder?"
ReplyDeleteSo true! Sometimes I think I make recovery harder for myself than it actually is. I find myself so confused when I am guilty for progressing so well. It's not so fun when your conscience turns on you...
Persevere my dear and these things WILL improve.. I am slowly but surely figuring this out for myself. Be thankful you are on this journey, for when it is over you will know more about yourself than you ever thought possible :)
xox
Tat
If I was a ________, I would be...
Travel souvenir- bottle of sand
Food- nut
Disney character- Mulan
Children's Book- Green Eggs and Ham
Day of the week- Saturday
Comedy show- ?
Quote- "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Suess
Your posts are so thoughtful and well written...I have confidence it will get better for you. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAhaha!! Pretending to be a criminal while shopping would be so much fun! Did you get any weird or scared looks? That would make it even better.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a great job at your recovery so screw ED! Yeah, yeah, easier said than done but I bet that if you yelled it out loud.. you would feel better. :) I can't wait to see what you fill that giant black void with. <3
You know what's ironic? I've been reading your blog since you started it! I actually read a ton of blogs that I don't comment - I'm so shy!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your words of encouragement; they were truly helpful.
"why can't I see myself as being good at recovery, rather than a failure at my eating disorder?" You have NO IDEA how closely I can relate to this! If you find the answer, please let me know!
I love your grocery store adventure! It's totally something I may actually try out haha (:
Wishing you the best + adding you to my blogroll!
-Kylee
(P.S. - Not only does my grandma read and comment blogs, she also has a Palm Pre and frequently text messages me; I love it!)
prayers with you love. i know its so hard..you GOT to stay strong..stay focused on the right things!
ReplyDeleteHi there Rachael - thank you for the comment on my blog!!! I just found your blog and love it - im definately adding u to my blog roll!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes - great minds do think alike - i love my power thought cards too!!!! I love the quote from C.S. Lewis - so inspiring to keep trying to stay on the right track!!!!! Hope to hear from you soon!!!!!! keep in touch - xoxo aimee
Your comment made me laugh out loud! You can keep your first born child....and all those that follow as well!!
ReplyDeleteI think you hit it right on the head when you said that you no longer feel like an anorexic. I've been trying to think of how I feel, and it definitely feels like the more I eat, the more I am FAILING. But failing at what? Being unhealthy?? Fuck that. The best anorexic is dead, and I want to be ALIVE!!!
<3