An Elephant Never Forgets.

Tabula rasa.

Last night I was quite the party animal. I went with my mom to see "Young Victoria" (Very good. I may be developing a slight girl crush on Emily Blunt), discussed with her how 2010 automatically will be better than 2009 because it's an even number, walked the dog and then watched the ball drop in Times Square. To be honest I find the whole thing very anti-climactic. The ball does not drop, it moseys its way on down a pole. I'd find it a lot more exciting if the thing smashed to the ground, sending sparkles and glitter flying everywhere. 

I have the blessing/curse of a hyperactive memory and it definitely was on overdrive last night, running through every detail of past New Year's Eves. 

• Ten years old and watching my mom and grandmother argue after I said I was hungry and asked for a midnight snack. My mom didn't want to give me one, saying I was being greedy and it was "too much." I ended up eating, but felt more and more overwhelmed with guilt and shame as I took each bite.
• Sixteen and inpatient at UCLA for the first time. I was giddy with excitement and hope for the next year, but also scared and unsure of what to want/wish for because I was so confused and conflicted in my ED. We played blackjack and at midnight shot kazoos which sprayed confetti in the dining room. The next morning multicolored tissue paper coated the floor and I dropped my breakfast in an effort to try and "lose" the food in it.
• Eighteen and at my Dad's house a few days after being kicked out of UCLA. He and my stepmom said they were tired and going to bed at ten, but I could hear them celebrating in the other room without me. I called home and left my mom a message on the machine saying I missed her and hoped she wasn't lonely, then proceeded to spend the rest of the night alone watching the ball drop on TV while doing endless calisthenics. 
• Finally there's last year, which is still "fresh" and painful to recount. I remember calling my Mom, frantically insisting that the new admission was going to have a hypoglycemic seizure in her sleep and I had to "save" her. She was a Type 1 diabetic like my mom so I was having major flashbacks. Plus I was completely delusional. We watched an edited version of "Fight Club" (Though how exactly you edit a movie like that I'm not sure.) and the staff microwaved popcorn as an optional snack challenge. I was obsessed with the smell, both horrified and fascinated. Weirdly enough, the girl did have a seizure at exactly midnight and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. 
  

Obviously I don't have a great track record with New Year's. However these somber memories made me feel so grateful for the evening I was experiencing, even though it wasn't wild and crazy.... Hopefully next year. No, definitely next year. ;)  

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Reflecting on 2009 I'm saddened by how anorexia permeates every memory, hangs over the year like a menacing shadow. I recall too many things that I'm ashamed of and wish desperately to take back or forget. But I'm cursed with that crazy memory, so it seems my only option is to accept and move on, rather than continuing to torment myself over past mistakes. Every challenge has been a learning experience, and I now face whatever struggles and surprises 2010 will bring with a many more tools in my toolbox. On the brink of 2011 I want to look back on the past year, the adventures I've been on and how far I've come with pride. Care to come along for the ride?