Looking Back, Looking Ahead.

My mom has been nagging me to go get the H1N1 vaccination because I'm supposedly in the risk category, but I feel really uncertain and ambivalent about it. Usually I go out of my way to avoid the flu, not stand in an endless line for it. Thoughts?

What's the difference between the avian and swine flu?

When you go to the doctor for the avian flu you get tweetment...

And when you go to the doctor for the swine flu you get oinkment!

I have the coolest Christmas present for my dad. It's the card game Kings in a Corner, but a board game. We used to play it whenever he'd visit me in the hospital, partly because it made the fact that we weren't actually talking less awkward. Still, when I saw the ad in a catalogue I was so excited by how perfect it was for him. I was supposed to visit him last night but he had to cancel. A few days ago he got the "swine shot" and is now really sick. Does that mean he has the actual swine flu? Like does he qualify for a "I survived the swine flu" T-shirt or something?

It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss. - Jonathan Safran Foer

Sometimes I really miss my Dad. But even when I'm with him that feeling doesn't go away. The daddy I miss doesn't exist anymore. My sister and I were the only people to be semi-carried over from the "before" picture to the "after," and witnessing his reinvention was jarring. It disturbed me to see the ease with which he became an entirely new person after leaving, drastically changing everything about himself from his appearance to the morals and values he'd adhered to so steadfastly in the past.  

When I visit the apartment where he lives with my stepmom I'm surrounded by pictures of him in places I've never visited with people I don't know. Our talks are limited to either finances or insurance and feel like business transactions rather than conversations between a father and his daughter. I sense he is a father in the "provider" aspect but not other characteristics of the stereotypical father role. It's difficult to know what we could talk about. All we have in common is the past, something he is doing his damndest to forget and distance himself from. When I bring up happy memories he quickly changes the subject as if it is dirty or toxic. My dad used to invite me over all the time, when we both knew I was far too entrenched in my ED to accept. He travels a lot with my stepmom and always said how he wished I could join them, that when I was better nothing would make him happier than to bring me along. Now I can go with them, but whenever I bring up traveling both grow evasive or make excuses. It hurts to know I spent so much time feeling guilty and angry, berating myself for being a "terrible daughter"and hurting them when their offers were empty all along. 

Being sick isolated me from the ones I loved, and constant hospitalizations made it easy to ignore how withered the connections I valued had become. While I don't have any resolutions per se for 2010, I'm setting the intention to work on improving my relationships. Maybe my dad has changed, but he is still here and I'm hopeful that we can have a new relationship. Starting with giving him a kickass holiday present. 

I'm wishing each of you fabulous New Year's Eves and the amazing 2010 you deserve. I'm so grateful to have "met" every single one of you. Thank you for providing endless support and inspiration.