Yesterday I had a dietician appointment. To say it didn't go well would be a major understatement. I sat there, feeling the stinging burn of acidic tears behind my eyes. My weight was down, way down. My dietician said rather than add more food to my meal plan she would give me a week to get my activity under control. If next session things aren't looking better I get the increase. I know I got off easy and she acknowledged that she was being very lenient in giving me a chance. Logically I know if I have to gain weight I would rather do it through stopping the over exercising. If I were to be increased instead I would feel even more afraid of stopping the behaviors. I know I can't maintain this level of activity, that I have to get it under control if I want avoid physical collapse or ever have a fucking life.
Credit to Pondering Pool
Yet as today draws to a close I feel completely and utterly defeated. I couldn't do it. I have never felt so weak, like such a failure. I talk the talk but balk when it comes to actually following through. I'm overwhelmed by fear every second even while engaging in the behaviors, which makes me more terrified of my anxiety's intensity if I were to stop. While on bed rest IP I had an "episode" when sitting in a wheelchair. The waves of terror were so overwhelming that I went into self preservation mode and totally shut down. In the disassociated state I started scratching and tearing at the upside of my wrist with my fingernails. I was snapped out of it by the warmth of pain and my blood. Today I cover the wrist with jewelry (including a "fuck me" bracelet - an awkward gift, considering it was from my younger sister) but the scar remains. It serves as a constant reminder, ED's taunted warning - See? This is what happens when you disobey me. I'm so scared and don't know what to do. No, that's bullshit. I know what to do but have no clue how I'm going to do it. To be honest I don't think I can. I'm so ashamed and feel like such a fraud.
You are not a fraud. You are not a failure.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to live happily. You deserve love. You deserve support and care and you deserve health.
You deserve to be without ED.
You CAN do it. You have the strength in you to do it. You've shown that, through your words and thoughts and actions. It is possible to break free of the hold ED has on you at the moment.
From what you've said, even when you're engaging in ED behaviours, he is never satisfied. Where does that leave you? That leaves you unhappy. That leaves you hurt, emotionally and physically. No matter what you do, ED is never going to be satisfied. And you, my dear, know that. You know what no matter how many times you do what ED tells you and wants you to do, you'll never be happy. ED will never let you be happy. He's the one making you feel ashamed and like a fraud. But you AREN'T. ED wants you to believe that you're nothing without him. But you're so much more without him. You're living ,when you're without ED.
Keep your head up, beautiful. You've come so far - don't give up now. You're stronger and braver and more capable than you give yourself credit for.
Love always,
Eleanor. xo
See the scar as, rather than a warning from ed for not obeying him, as a warning to you of the dangers of LIVING with ed.
ReplyDeleteI know you can beat this sweetie, you have to want it from the bottom of your heart and you know this is not what you want for your life, there is so much more out there and you deserve to have it.
Don't listen to the crap that ed tells you, fear is just a feeling and it will lessen the more you push it away. Yes, cutting down the activity and increasing the intake is likely to make you anxious at the beginning but you are stronger than that and think of not only what you'lll be leaving behind, the hell of ed but moving towards, health, happiness, a future.
Believe in yourself,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are definitely not a fraud of failure. Everyone has road blocks. Recovery isn't supposed to be easy. If you know what you need to do, maybe make a pros and cons list about it. I'm sure the pros of doing what is right for your health and well being will outweigh the cons. ED is evil, strong, powerful and persuasive. But you are stronger than him. You can beat him. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for - don't let your past struggles get in the way of moving forward!
ReplyDeleteThere is never failure in trying, don't ever let yourself think that a slip up on this journey deems you 'unworthy' to be happy an healthy - ED is a liar and I know you will come out on top in the end.
Stay strong; you are beautiful and empowered and you don't even know it!
xox
Tat
Having struggles doesn't make you a fraud... it's part of the ED that makes you feel that way. I know I feel like a "fraud" either way -- if I gain weight I'm a fraud because there's nothing wrong with me, and if I don't gain weight I'm a fraud because you can't do anything right. There is no way to win unless you keep fighting it. Yes, it's terrifying, and yes, it will feel like utter crap... but I guess you just need to have faith that the horrible parts will end.
ReplyDeleteEvery time you give in to the fear, you give it credence; the longer you obey the ED voices, the stronger they're going to get. Just try to take it one day (or one minute!) at a time... if you can fight it once, you can do it again. It does get easier if you keep at it.
<3 <3
you are not a fraud by any means. you are strong, remember how far you have come.
ReplyDeleteso today wasn't the best, there is always tomorrow. you deserve to be free, you are stronger than Ed. don't let Ed tell you that he has control, because its all under your control. you can do this.
you know what i found to help me limit my exercising is walking. i know Ed may say walking is useless, but they are very enjoyable and it gets your body moving, i feel so much better now that i walk rather than run. just a thought.
hope you feel better dear, no matter what happens never stop breathing.
xoxo
No, there is no way that you are a fraud in any respect. You're struggling with an illness that is biological as well as psychological in nature: being so drastically underweight alters your brain chemistry significantly and can make anxiety so much worse. There have been scientific studies which show that when subjects (with no previous history of eating disorders) are deprived of food for long periods of time, they start exhibiting symptoms commonly associated with EDs; obsessing over food, panic attacks, even obsessive-compulsive behaviours. The point is that you're fighting so hard yet biologically the odds are against you until your body is in more of an equilibrium. Those initial steps may be uncomfortable and torturous, but with time it should become slightly easier.
ReplyDeleteI know the obsessive exercising is horribly hard to stop, but you're so right that it's better to cut activity levels in the long run. Otherwise you end up stuck in the same position as me: weight-restored but with every compulsive behaviour still in place. I appreciate we're different in the respect that you haven't swung the other way into overeating, but being tied to exercise really is no fun at all.
I've had multiple dissociative episodes too: it doesn't mean that you're weak at all and I hope that you don't really, deep down think that you are. The fact that you have survived is a kick in the teeth for your ED: it may still be trying to bring you down but you are here, and far too wonderful and precious to lose.
Your comment meant so much to me and I hope that you can apply some of the immense kindness which you show to me and many others to yourself.
<3
xoxox