Moving Forward.

Today I called & registered take the GED Test this January. If I pass it's the equivalent of graduating high school, which I have yet to do. I'm telling you this now because I want to hold myself accountable. Otherwise I might (and probably would) chicken out when the big day rolls around. I've put it off for years.

Now this test I could handle.

I'm SO afraid that I won't pass the test. My parents think I'm being self deprecating or fishing for compliments, like in grade school when I'd be convinced that I was going to fail a quiz and then receive a high score. But I really question whether or not I'll manage to scrape by. My parents don't know (and I'm too ashamed to enlighten them) that a majority of the time when I was at school I wasn't actually AT school. Most days I'd slink into the library, pull myself up the stairs and curl into a ball where I would sit paralyzed by brutal anxiety attacks and debilitating thoughts of self hatred. When the feelings of self loathing grew unbearable I would dig frantically through my purse for my x-acto and dash into the bathroom. I would emerge dazed but "better," having given myself the punishment I believed I deserved.

In class it wasn't much better. I have binders from high school filled with nothing but calculations. Rather than paying attention to lectures on "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" or listening to the brilliance of this teacher while I had the chance, I was busy counting calories or body checking to make absolutely sure I hadn't overstepped the self imposed boundaries I had set on my body. I feel such guilt and regret over the amazing opportunities that I had and didn't take advantage of. I was so lucky and let it all slip away. I know I need to move past regret and make the best of today, have compassion for myself and remember how much pain I was in rather than beating myself up over the past. 

My therapist always says "If you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you shit on the present." Quite true, and very eloquently put. ;) I want to make the best of now, starting with the GED this January.