Thoughts Without Action Is Like a Menu Without the Meal.

"Before the truth goes back into hiding

I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear ....

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down" - Duncan Sheik

Whether it's avoiding backsliding to where I was before, being sent inpatient, disappointing people, getting in trouble, etc., most of my recovery oriented actions are motivated by and come from a place of fear. Rather than moving to a goal I am running away from something. However, recovery is a scary concept to me as well. It's full of unknowns, and the things that aren't unknown frighten me: being at a healthy weight, responsibility, happiness, etc.  I keep trying to move forward out of fear of where I've been but am simultaneously afraid of the destination.

I've never been a fan of homework. But in the spirit of New Years I gave myself an assignment. It was to write a list of "Things I Want From Life," a bucket list minus the morbid part. I hoped in composing it I'd find positive reasons and motives to recover, so I'd be able to see that in choosing to give up ED I'm getting something better. Here are some of the things I came up with.

• Take (and pass) the GED.
• Get my driver's license.
• Go to college.
• Get a job that I enjoy and look forward to.
• Have friends. Be able to spend time with them without anxiety.
• Have a sense of self, an identity.
• Art.
• Be able to read again.
• Dance.
• Have food just be food, not all I think about or what my life revolves around.
• Be able to partake when my family orders Chinese takeout on Christmas.
• Feel good about myself.
• Travel.
• Go to a movie without anxiety regarding sitting or being distracted by thoughts of food. 
• Re-learn French.
• Be able to get on the floor and be with my dog without worrying how I should be standing to burn more calories. 
• To go to bed and not be anxious about or afraid of the next day.
• Be loved by someone. Have a boyfriend. Be able to kiss him without worrying if he's eaten and I'm getting "secondhand" calories.
  

Initially it was really hard to come up with anything. The first few I felt obligated to say as though I should want them. But as my resistance went down and thoughts started to flow I was filled with pain. I suspect part of why I tend to stay so out of touch and apathetic is because it keeps me numb and from considering what I'm missing. I've mentioned feeling like I "settle" for the sake of my ED but I didn't realize until now how much I actually do. It makes me so angry and sad to think of the joy and happiness I am denying myself, the little things I give up for the sake of ED's safety and routines on a daily basis without even questioning it anymore. I may not be starving to death in the physical sense anymore, but I'm still starving my soul. Gotta put that sucker on a re feeding diet. ;)

I wish I could say I then proceeded to declare "I'm done! I want to liiive!" and marched into the kitchen to eat a cookie or something, but I didn't. 

I logically know the postsecret above isn't true, but it's that distorted thought which keeps me stagnant, paralyzed by fear. While I yearn for health and happiness those same words also terrify me because I equate them with being fat. I'm so infuriated and frustrated with myself for being afraid, for allowing that cowardice to hold me back. I've heard change happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs fear of change. What is it going to take?! When will I have had enough?  

** I hope this post isn't offensive in any way. I am so hesitant to put it up in the first place, as these thoughts are totally influenced by ED and NOT ones I am proud of. I guess I just want to hear your opinions? I don't trust my own, and really value your feedback.