Since my last post I've "walked in on" the creepy stuffed basset hound countless times, and no matter how often it happens I still do a double take. I may have to insist on us giving it away. Rosie doesn't even like it and this is getting ridiculous!
Who needs a stuffed toy when the real thing is so much cuter?
Last night I had such a terrible dream. The earth was going to end in a giant ball of fire and I was on the roof preparing, learning how to lie down for when I was going to be all burnt and charred up. I was terrified because I knew I was going to die soon. Suddenly then I'm being chased around by a murderer, but in the back of my mind I knew even if I managed to escape it was pointless because I was still going to be incinerated in the giant fireball. I woke up a wreck. There was more to the dream but it's too personal to put up here.... Not in the Rated R sense though! I tend to be really open (sometimes I worry too open) but it's private and a girl's gotta draw a line somewhere. ;) I'd love to be enigmatic and mysterious but I don't think I ever could be. Actually the director at a program said before kicking me out that the one thing I had going for me was that I'm honest, so maybe my lack of mysteriousness isn't such a bad thing.
Anywho, part of the increase my dietician gave me was a boost supplement, but I've been trying to get the calories in other ways. After living off solely boosts for six months, I made a vow to myself that I would never drink one again. Plus I know seeing them in the house would really upset my mom and make her worry about me, since they have such a negative association with when I was really sick. Do you have any ideas for ways in which I could get the calories in without having to drink a supplement? Like yummy bars or something? Yesterday I had a Clif bar to replace the drink. If you've had one before, what's your favorite flavor? I would make a smoothie of some sort but we don't have a blender... Blasphemy, I know!
Like I said, yesterday I challenged myself by having one of these babies. The amount of sodium freaked me out but I just bit the bullet/bar anyways. I've always been a master at talking the talk but not walking the walk, so it's something I try to be really mindful of. I can say I need to get over the fear a billion-and-one times, but it's not going to take me a single step closer to actually conquering the phobia. I will admit though, I was a wreck afterwards. It was embarrassing. I started getting really paranoid that I smelled like the ocean and that salt was coming out of my pores. All the anxiety made my heart race, so then I was convinced the sodium was giving me a heart attack. Complete ridiculousness. If the salt elevated my pulse at all, I was probably just experiencing what it's like to have a normal blood pressure! I couldn't help laughing at myself as I laid on the sofa, panicking and trying to take my pulse. I knew I was being ridiculous but was still so scared anyways. But anyways, aside from being convinced I was going to die from a Clif-induced heart attack, I liked the bar. It tasted good for sure, but I couldn't get past it looking like someone had grabbed a dinosaur poop and decorated it with icing before sticking in a wrapper.
See what I mean?
Yesterday as I was walking home from the market I passed a man who is often sitting nearby. I said hello and he replied by exclaiming, "You're gaining weight!" I was so mortified and stunned that I didn't respond and walked away in a stupor. While I doubt the man intended to upset me, who says that?! He's what, seventy years old? I'm twenty and know the number one rule when it comes to a female: DO NOT comment on her weight. The same goes with if you think a woman is pregnant. Unless she is in labor, unless she is waving the positive pregnancy test in your face, DO NOT ask her when the baby is due. But whatevs. I'm determined not to let a random guy's comment freak me out, at least not any more than it already has. Happy Tuesday! It's almost Hump day... so like mid-incline day?
Body part- brain
Bird- swan
Era- the 30's
Aisle in the grocery store- hygiene
Bug- spider
Beatles song- .... I have no idea!
AHHH i want to strangle that guy! can't believe he said that, it's so triggering, but i am so glad you're not letting his comment get to you too much. your worth is so much more than your weight, and you have to gain weight to be healthy again! your nightmare sounds intense! i think it's great that you're open and honest in real life as well as on your blog but everyone is entitled to hold some things sacred too ;)
ReplyDeletehun :[ i'm so sorry that guy said that to you. i'm sure he meant no harm and was probably trying to be nice but it can still be hurtful--try not to let it get to you, okay?
ReplyDeletethat nightmare sounded intense. maybe do some yoga tonight before bed.
also, i've still not tried a clif bar but if I do in the near future, that will definitely be my flavor of choice! looked good :] though slightly dinosaur poopish--but all of those kind of bars do ;]
love,
becca
WTF is wrong with people? I don't even understand why people make these kinds of comments. Sorry you had to hear that and good for you for not letting it get to you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't tried a Cliff Bar either and I agree--all those bars look slightly poopish and not particularly appetizing. I used to use odwalla smoothies or bolthouse farms (although both are kind of pricey) sometimes in place of boost.
Old people! Really, they have absolutely no idea. But I'm sure he didn't mean it as an insult - that he actually noticed is a surprise in itself! He might, in a weird way, actually care. A... Nice thought? Maybe not? Kinda creepy? Yeah... I thought so too.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Clif Bar! YOU GO GIRL. Salt in excess is bad, but when you don't have enough salt, any salt you have is good! And definitely not in excess. I can completely understand the freakout, but you got a hold on yourself! And you let the fear subside - something to be very proud of. And it tasted good! Thinking of it in a positive light. ;)
Body part - Eyes
Bird - Parrot
Era - 20's or 70's ;)
Aisle in the grocery store - Hygiene, too!
Bug - The spider from A Bug's Life
Beatles song - uuuuh... Eleanor Rigby! Hahaha.
If you don't want your stuffed toy dog, I'll have it! It can fill the empty place in my heart that my two doggies unfortunately left when they departed :( I'll give you my little brother in return...? ;)
LOVE,
Eleanor. xo
xoxoxoxoxoxo proud of youuu.
ReplyDeleteways to get in extra cals:
mixed nuts
peanut butter
bars (clif are great! I love the chocolate chip)
That guy is a douche. Maybe he was trying to be nice but if in his mind, you gaining weight is a good thing, then it probably isn't the best idea to COMMENT on it. Still.. perhaps he was senile?
ReplyDeleteThe Clif Bar does look like dino poo.. never thought about that before. I actually DO like Clif Bars but I don't eat them because I don't like them enought to consume the calories.. :/ Dumb.. maybe I'll have one sometime this week. Just because. I've taken the sodium thing to a ridiculous stage too. Sometimes I'll try to eat absolutely NONE in a day while other times, I give myself room for some as long as it stays under 1000mg. That's still a ways under the recommended amount but it makes me nervous. Sodium = bloat. Bloat = weight. It's still something I need to work on.
hahah sorry i have to laugh- that guy sounds like a douche! i'm sure he meant it in a good way because he noticed you are looking ehaltheir but men are so stupid sometimes... what a foo!
ReplyDeleteand love that clif bar.
as far as getting int eh calories equatable to the boost- it is about more than the calories- a boost supplment (if it si the regular kind iwth 240 calories) has the equivalent of about one serving of protein, one serving of fat, and 2 carbs so the equal to that would be (for example) 2 pieces of whole grain bread with 2 tablespoons of peanut butter or a 1/2 cup of oatmeal with 1 tbsp of peanut butter, etc etc!
body part- lips!
bird- blue jay
era- 60s
aisle in the grocery- organic :)
bug- ladybug!!
beatle's song- all you need is love
Hey!
ReplyDeleteThere are many ways you can boost your intake without actually drinking Boost (no pun intended). Some recommendations: Add/dip things in peanut butter/almond butter/nutella etc- you can use nut butters on anything from fruit to toast to oatmeal to pancakes! Mix-ins are your best friend, I usually add a tablespoon of flaxseed into my greek yoghurt as well and sometimes chocolate chips, you can get really creative.
Hummus/similar spreads are also good- and be really liberal with it. Snacking on trail mix is good too- you can make your own from various nuts/dried fruits/chocolate bits/whatever you want!
As for the old dude's comment- he's OLD and thus probably unfamiliar with the social etiquette of speaking to a woman (and I'm sure he didn't mean any malice...but positivity) so don't let it bother you. Besides- gaining weight in your case is most definitely a GOOD thing and doesn't mean fat (like the ED will make you think) but just less sickly. :)
Rachael!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the old man ! I know I struggle with this a lot myself - it seems like when people make comments about my weight, I FREAK.. even if they say it in a completely 'wow-you-are-looking-less-like-death' kind of a way. Just remember that this is ED freaking out, and you should be proud of the accomplishments you have made :)
I am SO proud of you for talking the talk AND walking the walk. That is probably one of the hardest parts of recovery, and you are well on your way to health! Keep it up, because it will only get better :)
The part about the salt made me laugh :) I remember the first time I had a luna bar, I was terrified of the sugar content. My heart raced after I ate it and I was convinced that my body was having an adverse reaction to the sugar and it was simply too much energy for me to take in at once! .. Oh the joys of disordered eating!
xox
Tat
Ps. As for the boost... the Clif bar is probably a good substitute because I think it has very similar nutritional stats :)
Sorry for the novel of a response...
If I was a _______, I'd be...
Body part- heart
Bird- humming
Era- 90's
Aisle in the grocery store- organic
Bug- lady
Beatles song- I don't know them well enough to title :P
Gah random comments like that are so annoying. I'm sure he meant well - he probably thought it would make you happy, because who would want to look sick? So many people just don't understand how that is all turned upside down in eating disorders. I suppose they have no reason to understand it if it doesn't affect them, but still, it's rude to comment on other people's appearance like that!! I may have been arsey and said something like 'You're getting older!' because I am kind of obnoxious like that :P
ReplyDeleteI very much doubt that the sodium in a clif bar could do anything to your blood pressure. I was always the opposite when I was ill, a total salt addict, and I still have low blood pressure! It's funny how these things get into peoples heads. I had a think about not eating after a certain time of day. There was no logic to it whatsoever, but breaking that rule scared the bejesus out of me. After breaking it for a couple of weeks when I started recovering it became a non-issue again. I am sure the sodium thing will diminish with time and practise as well :) well done for eating the clif bar!!
My favourite high calorie density snack was nut butter on various things - rice cakes, bananas, apples, broken up biscuits. Cashew butter is my favourite :)
girl i love the pumpkin pie clif bar! sorry about the soduim thing-for some reason i never had problems w. soduim (i pile salt on everything!) haha, but its prob good for us because we both prob have low blood pressure!
ReplyDeletehave a great day!
hey there :) Just found your blog and I love the name! so cute. I wanted to comment on your last post since the part you said about the old man commenting on your weight really hit home. I remember last summer after I had finally started to fill out again, my dad commented that I finally had my butt back. I was so insulted at first and it took me a really long time to wrestle with what he was saying. I knew it was a compliment, but it's so hard to hear from anyone that you've gained weight. Just realize that people wouldn't likely comment on it (at least the people that matter) if it wasn't a pleasant surprise for them! They LOVE how much healthier you're looking and that's something to be proud of!!
ReplyDeletekeep on keepin' on--it's all worth it!!
xoxo
Melissa
What a sweet doggy! Love your blog...just found it! Will be reading more :).
ReplyDeleteYou're right about the Clif bars! haha I love the gingerbread one though... I think it's my favorite flavor.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry some old guy felt the need to say that! People should learn to keep their damn mouths shut! Sometimes I feel like a walking magnet for other people's comments, so I can relate. That's why I usually walk around with a scowl on my face, and you know what? It works. ;)